Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

Good boundaries = My focus is on what I do Motivation → Self-control Mindset → I am responsible for my actions. I manage my behavior. I own the actions I choose. Approach → I focus on my self-care, safety, sanity, and other things in my life I can control. Outcome → I accept that I am powerless to control other people. Instead, I use my energy to limit my interactions with difficult people, remove myself from destructive relationships, and pursue loving well the people in my healthy relationships that deserve the best of me. Bad boundaries = My focus is on what the other person does Motivation → Controlling or punishing the other person to get what I need Mindset → I want them to do something different from what they are doing. I have to change their behavior. Or, I am responsible to help manage their behavior. I own the actions they choose. Approach → Hyper-focused on the other person while constantly negotiating with and trying to motivate (sometimes manipulating) them to do what I feel is right and get from them what I feel I must have. Outcome → A frustrating cycle of me trying to manage the unmanageable dysfunctions until I’m completely burned out, unhealthy, and bitter. Relationships are no longer a source of satisfaction and fulfillment but instead a constant drain on my always-frazzled emotions.