Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

It’s incredibly basic. And, for me, it’s incredibly helpful. So, here’s how one of these funerals goes for me: I acknowledge what isn’t. I state out loud what makes me so disappointed and how unfair the whole situation feels. I see it as a good thing to cry out to God. I will get it all out because He can handle my honesty, fear, anger, and utter devastation expressed in its most raw form. I give myself permission to cry as many tears as I need to. I then uninvite the image of the person I’ve held onto. That picture of who I wanted them to be isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. I acknowledge the person is unwilling or incapable of what I so very much desire for them and our relationship. But my desire doesn’t line up with their desire. So, it’s not realistic at this time. I release the person to be responsible for her life, just as I’m responsible for my life. I allow myself some time to feel sad and experience the emotions of grief. I say out loud what I’m releasing. “I am choosing to let go of [your notes]” (for example, resentment, anger, bitterness). I say out loud what this will now allow me space to receive. “I am choosing to receive [your notes]” (for example, joy, hope, a better future). I commit to setting and maintaining good boundaries for myself. And I will have another funeral about this tomorrow if need be.