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Access requires responsibility.
We are to guard and protect our hearts and our minds to make sure we keep good in and evil out. We are to guard and protect our testimony and make sure our lives produce the fruit of God’s Spirit in us. And we are to guard and protect our calling to love God and love people.
Broken boundaries bring consequences.
God had grace but His grace was there to lead people to better behavior, not to enable bad behavior. And the same should be true of our grace as well.
Consequences should be for protection not harm.
the consequence should serve to protect you and, if possible, the relationship—not do more harm.
without a boundary, unless significant healthy changes have been made by the other person, dysfunction will resurface and possibly even explode to the surface.
Healthy changes in someone can’t be measured just by the words they speak. There must be evidence of changed thoughts, changed habits, changed behaviors, changed reactions, and changed patterns demonstrated consistently over a long period of time. How long? As long as it takes.
Changing an outside behavior without changing the internal issue that’s driving the behavior is like painting a house that has a crumbling foundation. From the road, the house may look impressive. But if you attempt to live in that dwelling, not only will it be bothersome but over time it could be very dangerous.
Paint is beautiful unless it is a mask that hides serious underlying issues.
changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings.
If we drop our boundaries too soon, trying to resurrect those boundaries when the chaos returns will become more and more challenging.
Trying to save a relationship by excusing away boundaries is like trying to save a house with a flooded basement by shooting more and more holes into the foundation.
“Why is it that a flag literally has to be on fire before I tilt my head and say it might be red?” If it’s red, it’s red. If someone’s actions toward me are hurting me, they’re hurting me. If it’s concerning, it’s concerning. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. And we should be willing to give grace for mistakes. But if the issues are ongoing and continuously harmful, we must acknowledge that and act accordingly.
drawing wise boundaries is me fighting for the relationship.
I am not honoring Jesus when I give permission for the other person to act in ways that Jesus never would.
Jesus didn’t enable people. Jesus didn’t beg people. Jesus didn’t accept excuses for sin or let people off the hook because they were mostly good. No, He instructed them to leave their lives of sin.
though Jesus had compassion for all people and offered salvation to all people, those who reject His gift and refuse to acknowledge Him as their Savior will not enter into heaven. There it is again: access requires responsibility. A refusal of that responsibility requires a consequence. This is set up this way for holy and honorable reasons.
The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary.
boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.
Sometimes good things become wrong things if used in wrong ways.
You have put these kinds of boundaries in place because they’re wise, not because you are mean, rude, uncaring, unchristian, selfish, or insensitive. You are a responsible person. You want to be a good steward of what’s been entrusted to you. Therefore, you walk in reality instead of wishful thinking. You acknowledge and respect the concept of limitations because you don’t like how you act and react when you get stretched too thin. And you wisely establish boundaries when people keep pushing for you to go past your capacity. When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries,
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When we allow our emotions to be misused and abused, there will be consequences.
When you are suffering because of choices that affect you but you have no control over, it’s time to start naming what’s really going on.
Are you constantly walking on eggshells because you’re afraid that one bad decision on your part will make the other person walk away?
Do you feel unable to share exciting successes in your life with this person for fear of them not celebrating you, or worse, attacking or belittling you?
Do you spend more time trying to save the relationship than enjoying the relationship?
Do you fear their...
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Are they resistant to changing a behavior even though they kno...
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“If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”3
There’s a difference between difficult relationships that have issues that need to be worked through and destructive relationships that are causing harm to the individuals and others around them.
The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.
the person causing us anxiety in our relationship must start being more responsible or we must reduce their access.
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”
Yes, boundaries can feel risky. But it’s a much bigger risk to delay or refuse to have needed conversations.
A boundary presented as a hopeful wish is nothing but a weak suggestion. And a boundary presented as a threat will only do more damage.
It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least.
We aren’t responsible for the other person’s choices, but we are responsible for our actions and our reactions.
Dysregulation is when an external trigger causes you to go into your limbic system (fight, flight, or freeze mode), which is an automatic physical response to a perceived threat.
If you are in a relationship where you’re about to have a conversation during which it’s likely that your limbic system will get triggered, plan ahead of time how you will respond. We can prepare in times of security so we’re strong in times of insecurity.
Calm is like setting a thermostat at the right temperature for keeping a house cool on a blazing hot summer day. But if there are doors and windows that stay open, letting the heat in, you’re still going to feel the effects of the outside heat. The wrong tactic would be to stand at the window, telling the heat that it can no longer come inside your house. The right tactic would be to shut the windows and doors and let the air conditioning unit work to accomplish the atmosphere you want.
I’m like Inspector Gadget except with basically no legitimate skills.)
Understanding that heat is not just uncomfortable but potentially damaging in certain situations helped me to consider something important. Passivity wasn’t working. Wishful thinking wasn’t working. By not addressing the situation I wasn’t being self-controlled. I was avoiding. And possibly even enabling behavior that could no longer go unaddressed.
“Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.”
The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.
“What people don’t work out, they act out.” Their unwillingness to address the issues driving their behavior is their choice. You cannot force people to do what they are not willing to do. You don’t need to fight it. Agree with it and accept it. Grieve someone’s refusal to keep growing, but don’t beg them to see your boundaries as a good thing. They may never see your boundaries as a good thing.
Sometimes the problem is that you’re more concerned for them than they are concerned for themselves.
You will never be able to stay where you are and lift them to a more mature or healthy place. They have to do the work themselves.
The hardship isn’t just the tension between where you are and where they are. The real risk is the longer you stay in this tension, the possibility increases that you’ll get pulled down.
health cannot bond with unhealth. A refusal to grow and mature emotionally is a big indication of unhealth.
