Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

I wrongly believe someone’s pushback is an indication that I’m doing something wrong. I don’t like the drama and complications that can happen when I establish a boundary and the other person continues to ask things of me that aren’t in alignment with that boundary.

It’s like I have temporary amnesia and start thinking the boundary is hindering peace instead of remembering the boundary is the only fighting chance we have at reclaiming our peace.

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

I set a boundary with a consequence. But if my motivation is to control, manipulate, or punish another person, I’m already setting myself up for failure.

And, as we already established, the absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos.

So, like I said, sometimes boundaries don’t work—because of me and my approach.

Boundaries define and protect freedom

Access requires responsibility.

access, responsibility, and consequence?

And we are to guard and protect our calling to love God and love people. (Note to self: that doesn’t say love God and enable people.)

Broken boundaries bring consequences

God had grace but His grace was there to lead people to better behavior, not to enable bad behavior. And the same should be true of our grace as well.

Consequences should be for protection not harm.

the consequence should serve to protect you and, if possible, the relationship—not do more harm.

Chances are, without a boundary, unless significant healthy changes have been made by the other person, dysfunction will resurface and possibly even explode to the surface.

In the same way, changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings.

There is something deeper going on in the foundational thinking and processing of someone who has been hurting you with their poor choices over and over. “Things are better” is not the same as “things are healed.”

Being loyal and hoping things will get better is not a bad trait until hope deferred starts to make my heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).

But we don’t want to become so eager and overcommitted to their health that we stay undercommitted to our own.

Loosening my boundaries and enabling them to hurt the relationship and harm me isn’t helping them.

I am not honoring Jesus when I give permission for the other person to act in ways that Jesus never would.

Remember, boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.