Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

This is the cycle of bad boundary-setting: I know a change is needed. I set a boundary with a consequence. But if my motivation is to control, manipulate, or punish another person, I’m already setting myself up for failure. And even if my boundary has the right motivation to better control myself, if I don’t have consequences established for boundary violations, I’ll never enforce those consequences. So, the boundary is violated. I don’t enforce the consequences. The boundary is violated again. I’m aggravated but again I don’t enforce the consequences. The other person keeps pushing. I want to believe it will be better this time, so I give in and drop the boundary. The bad behavior isn’t better and often gets worse over time. Simmering resentments develop in my heart. Now I’m not just frustrated—I’m angry. I say things I shouldn’t say. I do things I wouldn’t normally do. I get into the crazy cycle of trying to get the person to change, and eventually the situation becomes so exacerbating I not only give in I give up.