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‘She’s going to be just fine, I know it. You were so courageous, after all you’d been through. Josie will be really grateful to you one day.’
‘Do you suppose Sal would want to thank me?’
‘Look, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so stupid, I just open my mouth and …’
‘Look, really, please forget it.’ The Mother, now making more effort, reached forward and held the food blending woman in a light hug. The food blending woman immediately returned the hug, and went on crying, her chin on the Mother’s shoulder.
‘Now I’m starting to think I should have.’
‘I can see Rick is afraid Josie might become like the others. But even though she behaved strangely just now, I believe Josie is kind underneath. And those other children. They have rough ways, but they may not be so unkind. They fear loneliness and that’s why they behave as they do. Perhaps Josie too.’
these were helpful lessons for me. Not only had I learned that ‘changes’ were a part of Josie, and that I should be ready to accommodate them, I’d begun to understand also that this wasn’t a trait peculiar just to Josie; that people often felt the need to prepare a side of themselves to display to passers-by – as they might in a store window – and that such a display needn’t be taken so seriously once the moment had passed.
‘Okay. Maybe you should go, Klara. You and Mom. What’s the sense in the whole day getting spoiled just because … I’m sorry. Sorry I’m sick all the time. I don’t know why …’ I thought tears would come then, but she held them back and went on quietly: ‘Sorry, Mom. I really am. I must be such a downer. Klara, you go on. You’ll love the waterfall.’ Then her face disappeared from the edge of the seat.
‘It must be nice sometimes to have no feelings. I envy you.’ I considered this, then said: ‘I believe I have many feelings. The more I observe, the more feelings become available to me.’
‘There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought I was getting to feel less and less. A little less each day. I didn’t know if I was happy about that or not. But now, lately, I seem to be getting overly sensitive to everything.
He was … substituted.
‘I was very sad to hear Sal passed away.’ ‘Sad puts it pretty well.’ ‘I’m sorry. Perhaps I shouldn’t have …’ ‘It’s okay. It’s a while now since she left us. Shame you didn’t meet Sal. Different from Josie. Josie just says what she thinks. Doesn’t care if she says the wrong thing. That gets irritating sometimes but I love her for it. Sal wasn’t like that. Sal would have to think everything through before she came out with something, you know? She was more sensitive. Maybe didn’t handle being sick so well as Josie’s doing.’ ‘I wonder … why Sal passed away?’ The Mother’s eyes changed and
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‘I think it was right we didn’t bring Josie today,’ she said. ‘She wasn’t well. But now we’re sitting here like this, I do miss her.’
‘Okay, Klara. Since Josie isn’t here, I want you to be Josie. Just for a little while. Since we’re up here.’
‘I will be able to walk in her manner. In fact now I know her better, and have seen her in more situations, I’ll be able to give a more sophisticated imitation. However …’ ‘However what?’ ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean however.’
‘Hi, Mom. Josie here.’ ‘Good. More. Come on.’ ‘Hi, Mom. Nothing to worry about, right? I got here and I’m fine.’ The Mother leaned even further across the table, and I could see joy, fear, sadness, laughter in the boxes. Because everything else had gone silent, I could hear her repeating under her breath: ‘That’s good, that’s good, that’s good.’ ‘I told you I’d be fine,’ I said. ‘Melania was right. Nothing wrong with me. A little tired, that’s all.’ ‘I’m sorry, Josie,’ the Mother said. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t bring you here today.’ ‘That’s okay. I know you were worried for me. I’m okay.’ ‘I wish
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Literal tears 😭😭😭😭😭😭
‘I’m grateful to you, Klara. Having you with me made it not so bad.’ ‘I’m so glad.’
‘Maybe sometimes we’ll do the same again. If Josie’s too sick to come out.’
‘You don’t mind, do you, Klara? If we do something ...
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‘You know what? I think it’s best we say nothing to Josie about this. Nothing about what you were doing up there. Imitating her. She might take it the wrong way.’ Then after another moment, she asked: ‘So we’re agreed? Nothing to Josie about that.’
‘Kids can be hurtful sometimes. They believe if you happen to be an adult, nothing can possibly hurt you. Still, she’s grown up some since you’ve been around. She’s become more considerate.’
‘What you were saying earlier,’ the Mother said. ‘About her getting well. Some special kind of help coming along. You were just talking, right?’ ‘You must excuse me. I know that you, the doctor and Melania Housekeeper have all considered very carefully Josie’s condition. It’s very concerning. Even so, I’m hoping soon she’ll get better.’ ‘Is that merely hoping? Or is this something more solid you’re expecting? Something the rest of us haven’t seen?’ ‘I suppose … it’s merely a hope. But a real one. I believe Josie will soon become better.’ The Mother didn’t speak for several moments after that,
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The notion of a kid getting sick and being so close to death brings me to tears a lot 🥺
At the same time, what was becoming clear to me was the extent to which humans, in their wish to escape loneliness, made maneuvers that were very complex and hard to fathom, and I saw it was possible that the consequences of Morgan’s Falls had at no stage been within my control.
my mind had become filled once more with the Josie worries, and specifically the question of why the Sun hadn’t yet sent his special help as he’d done for Beggar Man and his dog. I’d first expected the Sun to help Josie in the days when she’d become weak before Morgan’s Falls. I’d then accepted that he’d perhaps been correct at that point to wait, but now with Josie so much weaker, and so many things concerning her future in uncertainty, it was puzzling why he continued to delay.
the Sun was very busy; that there were many people besides Josie who required his attention; that even the Sun could be expected to miss individual cases like Josie, especially if she appeared well looked after by a mother, a housekeeper and an AF.
Make sure no hanky-panky.’
They conversed at such moments in a speech that was like a code, making me wonder if this was on account of my presence in the room, but I quickly understood it had simply to do with their familiarity with each other’s lives, and that there was no intention to exclude my understanding.
Cute
There was no bubble for Picture Rick. The only one was for Picture Josie’s thoughts, and inside it Rick had written: ‘I wish I could go out and walk and run and skateboard and swim in lakes. But I can’t because my mother has Courage. So instead I get to stay in bed and be sick. I’m glad about this. I really am.’
But as I was leaving the bedroom, the padded envelope held closely to me, she said suddenly: ‘Hey, Klara?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘It must be dull, right? Living here with a sick kid.’ She was still smiling, but I saw fear beneath the smile. ‘It’s never dull to be with Josie.’ ‘You waited all that time for me in the store. I bet you’re wishing now you’d gone with some other kid.’ ‘I’ve never wished such a thing. It was my wish to be Josie’s AF. And the wish came true.’ ‘Yeah, but …’ She made a small laughing sound full of sadness. ‘But that was before you got here. I promised it would be great.’ ‘I’m very
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😭😭😭😭😭
He gazed at the picture for some time, his face on the edge of smiling. ‘Rick and Josie forever,’ he said finally.
It was unlike any I’d seen during the bubble games. Much of the sheet was filled with sharp-looking objects, many with angry protruding points, that had become tangled together into an impenetrable mesh. Josie had used pencils of many colors to create the mesh, but its overall effect was dark and forbidding. However, a clear tranquil space had been kept in the lower left-hand corner, where the figures of two small people could be seen, their backs to passers-by, walking away hand in hand. They were too stick-like to be identifiable other than as a boy and girl, but they seemed happy and
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‘I know, I know,’ she said. ‘We have a visitor. I’ll attend in just one moment.’
‘One never knows how to greet a guest like you. After all, are you a guest at all? Or do I treat you like a vacuum cleaner? I suppose I did as much just now. I’m sorry.’
It’s so unclear, the etiquette. If one was borrowing a vacuum cleaner … But it’s not like that, I know.
‘That’s interesting to know. If what you say is correct, then it’s more important than ever, what I’m asking you. Josie may feel she has to relent in order for them to make up. She may come to feel she was wrong ever to take the attitude she did. Well, you must speak with her. Tell her she must persevere, never mind what temper tantrums he throws. Is something the matter, dear?’ ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m a little surprised.’ ‘Oh? Why are you surprised, dear?’ ‘Well, I … Frankly, I’m surprised because Miss Helen’s request concerning Rick appears very sincere. I’m surprised someone would
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‘Yes. Until recently, I didn’t think that humans could choose loneliness. That there were sometimes forces more powerful than the wish to avoid loneliness.’
A mother’s love for her son. Such a noble thing, to override the dread of loneliness.
While crossing one particularly unkind box, I heard around me the cries of an animal in pain, and a picture came into my mind of Rosa, sitting on the rough ground somewhere outdoors, little pieces of metal scattered around her, as she reached out both hands to grasp one of her legs stretched out stiffly before her. The image was in my mind for only a second, but the animal carried on making its noise, and I felt the ground collapsing beneath me. I remembered the terrible bull on the walk up to Morgan’s Falls, and how in all probability it had emerged from beneath the ground, and for a brief
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kinder box,
I came closer, then realized these weren’t cones at all, but Rick, holding back the grass with one hand and reaching the other towards me. Now that I’d recognized him, I had even more incentive to move towards him, but my feet sank further, and I knew if I attempted another step I’d lose balance and fall deep into the ground. I knew too that despite Rick appearing to be within touching distance, he was not in reality so near because of the fierce border separating our boxes. Even so, he continued to reach out towards me, and where his arm crossed into my box, it appeared elongated and bent.
always wanted to give privacy. It’s just that there was concern about hanky-panky.’
‘I was instructed to ensure against hanky-panky. That’s why I always remained in the room, even during the bubble game.’
‘Klara,’ Josie said, ‘Rick and I are not about to engage in sex, okay? We’ve got a few things to sa...
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thought she’d come to reprimand me for the times I’d left Rick and Josie unattended in the bedroom despite her warnings about hanky-panky.
deep in the night when I was brought awake by Josie making a noise. The bedroom was dark, but because Josie disliked complete darkness, the blind covering the front window was one third raised, and the moon and stars were making patterns on the wall and floor. When I looked towards the bed, I saw Josie had created a mound shape there with her duvet, and a humming noise was coming from within it, as if she were trying to remember a tune and hadn’t wished to disturb the rest of the house.
‘Josie, what’s the matter?’ I kept my voice low, but urgent. ‘Has the pain come back?’ ‘No! No pain! But I want Mom! Get Mom! I need her here!’ Not only was her voice loud, it was as if it had been folded over onto itself, so that two versions of her voice were being sounded together, pitched fractionally apart. I’d never before heard her produce such a voice and for a second became hesitant. She brought herself up into a kneeling position and now I saw the duvet hadn’t disintegrated after all, but was in a large ball behind her.
‘Get Mom!’ ‘But your mother needs to rest.’ I kept my voice a whisper. ‘I’m your AF. This is exactly why I’m here. I’m always here.’ ‘I didn’t say you. I need Mom!’ ‘But Josie …’ There was movement behind me, and I was pushed aside so that I almost lost balance. When I recovered, I saw before me, on the near edge of the bed, a large shifting shape, made additionally complex by the patches of blackness and moonlight moving over its surface. I realized the shape was the Mother and Josie embracing – the Mother dressed in what looked like pale running clothes, Josie in her usual dark blue pajamas.
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‘Don’t want to die, Mom. I don’t want that.’ ‘It’s okay. Okay.’ The Mother’s voice was soft, at just the same level mine had been. ‘I don’t want ...
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‘Don’t worry, we’ll do something else later. Something better than this.’ Then he turned and smiled at her gently. ‘This portrait. Let’s say it gets finished. What bothers me is that I won’t get to have it with me. Because your mom will want it with her.’
Halfway through my assignment, I caught movement through the glass and saw on the opposite balcony Mr Capaldi leading the Father up onto it. I continued my assignment, but having grasped its central purpose, I no longer needed to give it much attention, and was able to watch the Father, nervously drawing the raincoat around him, approaching the Purple Door. He had his back to me and I was looking through frosted glass, so I couldn’t be sure, but he looked as though he’d become suddenly ill.
