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“I’m the same guy, yeah,” Zack says. “I just got really hot and buff all of a sudden. I would never abandon my gorgeous, stunning, slightly scary date.”
“You got any food at your place, pet?”
I want to lick him.
I’ve never seen her this tipsy before. She’s usually so uptight. “I love her,” I say. “She’s so cute. Oh my God.”
“Okay,” Josh’s low voice says as I hit the last stretch of my run. “Here’s an email that I think must be meant for Zack. It’s from the pseudonym ‘Moist in the Midlands’.” “Oh, this’ll be good,” Zack answers. “Hit me.” Josh clears his throat. “‘The last few times me and my girlfriend have slept together’, he reads aloud, ‘she’s squirted. I think it’s great, but she’s horrifically embarrassed every time it happens, and it’s really affecting our life in the bedroom. How do I convince her that it’s normal… and that I actually really like it?’” “Drink that shit up,” Zack says immediately. “You
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people interpret her social awkwardness as being rude, but she’s really just a dork.
Josh has been head-over-heels for Layla ever since they met, but he won’t admit it.
“Ooh. A rich man. Maybe I should go flirt with him instead.” He stiffens, his hand still on my throat. “Don’t. I’ll end the night in a jail cell.”
I should just focus on my work. Maybe one day, I’ll be rich enough to buy a husband.
Grinning, I trail my mouth down his throat, pressing a kiss to his Adam’s apple. His whole body flinches. I pause, then kiss his neck again. He shudders in a breath. “Layla—” he groans, tensing against me. “Shit.”
me and Layla, who cannot be in a room together for longer than five minutes without causing a fire. LUKE: Because you’re… arsonists? ZACK: Because we have a spark. Duh. LAYLA: Oh, honey, we talked about this. I know you like sticking your fingers into things, but you’ve got to stop fiddling with the plug sockets, it’s not safe.
“Okay. Give me them back.” She frowns. “But they’re mine!” “Nope. They were a test. You failed. Hand them over.” Begrudgingly, she picks the flowers back up, and I take them back. “We’re going to try this again, and you’re going to act like a regular human person, okay?” “You’re giving out strong alien vibes,”
LAYLA: Sure. (Paper rustles). Okay. ‘My boyfriend’s always asking me to ride his face — but I’m a bigger girl, and I’m worried I might hurt him. From Curvy in Kentucky.’ Okay, babe. I don’t know how strong the human head is, and I don’t think it matters. There’s no weight capacity. Just sit on his face, and if he dies, he dies. JOSH: (Coughs violently) ZACK: Damn straight. Bury him alive. Lucky guy. LUKE: The human head can withstand up to about five hundred pounds of pressure. But that’s not really a weight limit, since in this position, you’d be kneeling, with your weight balanced on your
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“Layla. Please come home,” Josh says, his voice soft as he talks directly into the mic. “Please.”
“I’d marry you right now if I could,” he says evenly, and my heart flips. Zack’s grip on me tightens. “Hey, I’m right here, can you not propose to my girlfriend?” He growls.
“I love you,” he says into my hair, and I nod. “I love you too. Do this to me again, and I’ll throw you on the street so fast you’ll find gravel up your asscrack.”
“You might get dress-coded,” Luke says. I snort, but he doesn’t laugh. It takes me a second to realise he’s not joking. “What?” I sputter. “They can’t dress-code me, can they?! I’m not even a student!” “No,” he says flatly. “They can’t. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried.”
Amy shakes her head, turning to me. “Layla. Do you want to explain why they’re all here? The invitation said you could bring a plus one.” “Actually, it said ‘partners are welcome’,” I point out. Her eyebrows shoot up. “So it’s true?” She sputters. “You… you really are with all three of them?” I nod. “Turns out, you can have more than one boyfriend! I’m starting a collection.”
“You’re so scary,” Zack says into my ear. “Where’s the bathroom? I need to jump out the window to get away from you.” “Most of my dates feel a similar urge. Breathe deep, it’ll pass.”
For the viewers at home, Luke just gave Layla the sappiest look I’ve ever seen in my life. And now she’s blushing… and now she is giving me the finger…
ZACK: (whispering) Okay, for the viewers at home, Josh is looking at Layla like he’s a dying man in a desert and she is an icy-cold glass of lemonade— LAYLA: Zack. ZACK: A very gorgeous glass, that’s wearing a really pretty, very low-cut bralette. That I believe is available in pink, white, fawn, and black.
ZACK: If you like boobs, buy it for your girlfriend. Use the code GREATCLEAVAGE for a twenty percent discount. That’s G-R-E-A- (Sound of static)
LAYLA: That’s right, ladies, the mansplaining is over. I’ll be on the show once a week, talking about all the things that these guys really are unqualified to talk about. Like bikini waxes, and UTIs, and where you can find period pants that actually look good. And also what it feels like to have a ton of metal beads shoved inside your vag. (Luke coughs violently) LAYLA: Not that I would know.
LAYLA: Everyone you love will hurt you, in some way. Most of them, I hope, will do it by accident. Some of them will do it on purpose. Don’t let them win by letting it harden you. Stay trusting. And hopeful. Fall in love again, and again, and again. It’ll be okay. I promise. And ladies, pee after sex.
