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Luke is turning forty this year, and he’s the quintessential silver fox. Greying and handsome in a hot professor kind of way. He’s dressed in his usual chinos, thick-rimmed glasses, and a soft-looking navy sweater. I want to lick him.
"I WANT TO LICK HIM" IS SO REAL LMAO
“I’m gonna teach you how to sext,” Zack says gleefully.
Ok
Zilly @ZackHard0nForever Twenty bucks they all fall in love.
Oh, ZachHard0nForever, you are one fortune teller.
“Nah. I’m a man. I smoulder. Check it.” He takes a sip of his beer, then tosses me a side-ways look so full of heat my mouth goes dry. My insides knot as his icy-blue eyes fix on mine, then flicker down my body. Sparks prickle across my skin. He’s looking at me like he wants to peel my clothes right off me. He holds my gaze for a few beats, then turns back to his pint. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to hypnotise you, lass. My smoulder is pretty potent.” I swallow. “How did you do that?” “I imagined my face between your legs,” he says casually, taking another sip of beer. I choke on air.
Delightful.
Josh’s eyes spark. “I bet we have more in common than you think.” “Doubt it.” “Try me.” I narrow my eyes. Well. Zack did tell me to be honest. “I’m a workaholic.” “Me, too,” Josh counters. “I’ve never had a boyfriend.” “Me, neither.”
LMAO
“Sorry. Some prick with a Rolex was looking down your top.” He picks up my jacket and wraps it back around my shoulders. “Let’s gift-wrap you again.” “A Rolex?” I tease as he tugs the zip up to my chin. “Ooh. A rich man. Maybe I should go flirt with him instead.” He stiffens, his hand still on my throat. “Don’t. I’ll end the night in a jail cell.”
“You don’t have to tell us anything personal. But we won’t judge you for it, if you do. Trust me, we’ve heard pretty much everything on the show.” “Oh, aye,” Zack agrees. “We just got an email a couple days ago from a guy who could only come if a girl rubbed a balloon on his bits. The static got him off, or something.” Layla’s lip twitches. “What did you tell him?” “To buy the balloons wholesale from party stores so they’re cheaper.”
ZACK: Dunno, lass. It’s pretty, but it’s hard to review clothes without seeing them on someone. LAYLA: Okay, hang on. I’m wearing one right now. (Muffled sound of clothing) What do you think? JOSH: Jesus. LUKE: Layla! Put your shirt back on. ZACK: This is the best day of my effing life. LAYLA: Thanks. Review, please. ZACK: Um. Yeah. Your tits look huge. Five stars. Would recommend. LAYLA: The pants match. ZACK: Please tell me you’re wearing them. LAYLA: Yes, actually, let me just— JOSH: (speaking quickly) Use the code THREESINGLEGUYS for twenty percent off. Terms and conditions
...more
“And now I can come in bed, too. If you were wondering.” “I wasn’t,”
Neither was I
Disturbed by the noise, Layla rolls over sleepily, cracking open one eye like a slumbering dragon. She studies me for a second, then closes her eyes again. “Josh?” She murmurs. “Mm?” He says, stroking her arm. “Zack is in my bedroom.” “Unfortunately.” “Oh, I don’t know.” I lean against the wall, looking down at her. “Maybe this is just a wet dream.” She shakes her head, burying it back in the pillow. “Can’t be. You’re wearing clothes.” Great. Now I have a semi. “That can be rectified, lass. You just say the word.” “Sorry.” She sniffs. “I don’t sleep with home invaders.”
“You don’t wear underwear?” She squeaks. “I thought you listened to the podcast,” I murmur, wrapping my hand in her ponytail again, tugging to bare her neck. “You didn’t hear my speech on the health benefits of going commando? It was only a couple of episodes ago.”
I want to hear and I want to know
“Hey,” Zack says indignantly. “You don’t let me tell you what to do! I told you to get on your hands and knees the other day, and you told me to make violent love to myself!” My eyes fall half-shut. “I-it’s not hot when you do it.” He’s outraged. “Excuse me? Everything is hot when I do it!”
LMAOO
“Oh, you found Josh’s Mute button,” Zack says casually, uncapping the bottle. “That’s nice.”
SNICKERS
ZACK: So, this is the end of week four of our experiment. Today, we focussed on your sexting skills. Layla, what did we learn? LAYLA:… that if a guy sends a grey sweatpants pic, don’t respond with the magnifying glass emoji. ZACK: Or? LAYLA: The laughing face emoji. ZACK: And? What else? LAYLA: (sighs) That if a boy says ‘send nudes’, they’re supposed to be pictures of me. JOSH: Although to be fair, that basketball player did have a very nice bum. (
LMAOOO
We don’t answer emails when we’re sitting on our boyfriend’s knob.
"Knob" PLEASEEE WHAT IS THAT
I work in stocks.” He pulls a face. “It’s boring, I know.” “That is pretty boring,” I agree, and his expression shutters slightly. Oops. I open my mouth to tell him I’m kidding, but Gavin coughs. “I know. To be honest, I hate it, but it pays well, so—” “That’s okay then,” I say before I can stop myself. “I don’t mind boring men if they’re rich.” Jesus. Shoot me. Luckily, this time Gavin catches on. “I’ll be the wallet, you be the looks?” “Perfect. We can text each other once a fortnight from opposite sides of your yacht.”
“Champagne?” Zack asks, sliding a hand over the curve of my bum. “Punch?” “You’re getting a punch in a minute,”
Uncalled for
Donny scowls at Zack. “I’m surprised you’re not on house arrest,” he spits. “They shouldn’t let you out in public.” “Oh, aye,” Zack agrees. “I should be in a cage, I reckon.”
“So it’s true?” She sputters. “You… you really are with all three of them?” I nod. “Turns out, you can have more than one boyfriend! I’m starting a collection.” “Aye,” Zack booms. “A lovely girl like you deserves more than one boyfriend.” He pours a cupful of wine, sniffs it, grimaces, then takes a gulp. “Gotta check it ain’t bad,” he tells me when I side-eye him.
LAYLA: That’s right, ladies, the mansplaining is over. I’ll be on the show once a week, talking about all the things that these guys really are unqualified to talk about. Like bikini waxes, and UTIs, and where you can find period pants that actually look good. And also what it feels like to have a ton of metal beads shoved inside your vag. (Luke coughs violently) LAYLA: Not that I would know.
I wish this podcast was real SO BADLY
Layla Thompson @HerTreatLayla ✓ update: we got married ♥
Fuck this author and their excuses to avoid proposal speeches. Outrageous.
(I SAY THIS IN A NICE WAY I SWEAR I LOVE LILY GOLD'S BOOKS)
