Faking with Benefits

by Lily Gold

Every Friday night after work, I come home, sit on my couch with a glass of wine, and go on a marathon swiping session on my current favourite dating app. As soon as I find a guy I like, I invite him out on a date.

oh. oh dear

“Drink that shit up,” Zack says immediately. “You gotta get in there and SWALLOW, man. You can’t just tell her you think it’s hot, you gotta show her. So get between her legs and go down like you’re at a damn watermelon eating contest. Trust me, she’s gonna know you think it’s hot when you’re licking her clean like she’s a melting ice cream cone.”

GIRL. BE SO FOR REAL RIGHT NOW

“Pineapple chunk.

im dead

I told you to get on your hands and knees the other day, and you told me to make violent love to myself!”

STOP! I just busted out laughing at 1 in the damn morning

There’s no weight capacity. Just sit on his face, and if he dies, he dies.

hell yeah!

Spaghetti hoop.

Not spaghetti hoop

pine-nut.”

honeybun?”