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I wonder sometimes who I could’ve been had he loved her right had he loved us right.
he was the first man to say he was glad I was his, and the first man to deny my existence. he was the first man to say he’d stay for always, and the first man to walk out the door. he was the first man to proclaim undying love for me, and the first man to prove he didn’t mean it. he wouldn’t be the last man to do all these things, but there’s just a certain wound that forms when that man is the one who created you.
I was told it never happened, or I must be remembering wrong. and although I was seeing things with my own eyes, I was taught not to trust them.
I don’t know how to explain this I don’t want to die, but I just can’t bear to exist right now.
don’t kiss me in the rain. kiss me in the middle of a snowfall as if we are two wolves that weren’t meant for the humid passion of monsoons, but the cold bitter winds of winter.
if the time ever comes when you lose yourself, I will never stop looking for you. I will be the one in the dark, holding a torch, to help guide you home.
I feel I may have reached a point where I became the very monster I spent my life trying to destroy.
when you hurt under the surface, no one can see it or help you. so, it continues to grow like cancer in a way that by the time it does come about, it’s now too late.
they tell me to be grateful for the pain, that it has shown me how strong I can be. they speak of resilience. maybe I already knew that strength inside. maybe I didn’t need something so painful to show me. maybe I’d rather be the girl I was before. the one who believed in magic and happy ever afters. maybe I’d rather have that innocence back, be that small naive girl once more. maybe I’d rather base my worth off how much beauty surrounds me and not how many times I crawled back up. maybe I’d rather know the girl I could’ve been.
to my boys who I will raise to only use kind hands and to my daughter who I will teach to accept nothing less
when you finally find your voice, not everyone will like it and some may not stay. your voice will draw lines in the sand and those lines will create boundaries. those boundaries will end up protecting you from the people who benefitted from you having none. never lower your voice again
