Finding Daisies

by Jessica Jocelyn

I wonder sometimes who I could’ve been had he loved her right had he loved us right.

he was the first man to proclaim undying love for me, and the first man to prove he didn’t mean it.

she waits on the front porch- time passes minutes like hours, hours like eternity. her mother wants her to come inside but, surely, he is coming, right? don’t want to miss him. more time passes minutes like hours, hours like eternity. she starts to count the tiny red hearts on her white tights. 37, there are 37. the sky is dark now. he never ends up coming and not the day after that, either. her physical body went back into the house but not her whole heart- in a way she will always be that little girl

I was easy to control, I sought nothing more than to please everyone, please him.

I would rather feel this than what I feel inside.

I don’t know how to explain this I don’t want to die, but I just can’t bear to exist right now.

you led me to a mirror. “do you love her?” I stared straight into the girl looking back at me. I looked down and whispered “I’m not sure.” you put your hand gently on my shoulder and explained “then you cannot possibly love me, until you love her.”

show me your scars so, I may kiss those twice. bring me to your walls, the ones you hide behind. we’ll chisel cracks in them to let the light in. we’ll dance and plant seeds and grow new memories.

if the time ever comes when you lose yourself, I will never stop looking for you. I will be the one in the dark, holding a torch, to help guide you home.

I feel I may have reached a point where I became the very monster I spent my life trying to destroy.

anxiety and depression are my hidden gifts.

when you hurt under the surface, no one can see it or help you. so, it continues to grow like cancer in a way that by the time it does come about, it’s now too late.

I saw the texts with my own eyes and still you told me

that it didn’t happen.

if you’re going to stab me in the back, turn me around first, look me in the eye. stab me in the front instead.

I used to think that it was unfair that I was in so much pain while you probably were sleeping well at night.

I sit up and must search around the room to find my heart. once I find her, I give her a tiny kiss and whisper how sorry I am that she’s hurting so badly. I place her back into my chest and sew it back up, feeling every stitch from a rusty needle, every pull of the thread.

my toxic trait is being convinced that even from thousands of miles away and years apart, I believe that you still love me.

I don’t know how to let you go. there are parts of me that I gave you that I’ve never gotten back. I suppose I never asked for them though; I hope that you kept them.

to my boys who I will raise to only use kind hands and to my daughter who I will teach to accept nothing less