The Existence Of Amy

by Lana Grace Riva

'I'm still here'. Still a live human being fumbling to cope with existence.

'You can do this'. 'Don't listen to those other thoughts, you are stronger than them'. 'You can absolutely do this'.

My home could perhaps be described as my 'safe space'.

Waiting time equates to thinking time and I need less of both if I am to be successful.

'I'm not intentionally being selfish, I promise! I just have this thing… and I can't…'.

there is something very beautiful about a stranger smiling at another stranger. One little moment of kindness.

There are endless ways to engage in productive thinking. My brain rejects them all.

'Please someone else press the bell', 'please someone else press the bell', 'please someone else press the bell' is charmingly chanting over and over.

I am the crazy lady on the bus who hides it well

Did I wash them enough?

I slept well last night – this should really translate to me arriving at work well rested, ready to be my fully charged productive self. I feel anything but rested though. I feel restless. I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I've just been through an ordeal and need time to recover. Recovery time never arrives though, it simply doesn't seem to exist. It's always straight into the next. That's how it operates. Any notion of resting and relief will not be entertained or tolerated.

He doesn't take life too seriously. Even at times when he really probably should. He's just in it for the laugh. I am really jealous of Nathan.

We work at a digital agency which in essence I love. It's high paced, high stress, high achieving, and high feeling. There's so much low in my life that this collection of high is much needed and addictive.

I take off my coat and place my bag on the floor in an exact location where I have previously assessed and deemed acceptable for it to reside. I of course still assess it again to ensure it is still acceptable.

I am done with the day as a whole, needing it to be over in its entirety.

A city so full of life. Full of people living out fun exciting experiences every single minute. I am stuck in this moment watching. I am stuck in most moments watching.

All my feelings seem to have got fed up and have fled my body. Perhaps they felt over-exerted and couldn't cope. They've left to find a more stable carrier, it's clearly way too stressful in this one.

I stand there for a long time simply and solely crying. I can't seem to stop. There is not much energy behind this, I'm not even sure my face is moving all that much. Tears are simply running continuously down my face. One lone thought is on a loop in my head. 'Am I ever going to be able to properly function as a human being?'

The words 'it should have been me' or 'if I'd been sitting a couple of seats over' might be uttered from your mouth.

'So, how does everyone feel about a trip to beautiful Australia!?'

Ed eventually breaks the silence when he turns to me and says, 'Fancy taking a long lunch break with me? Think I might go check out that new photo exhibition I was telling you about the other day.' He sees me thinking before quickly continuing on, 'It's not too far, walking distance I promise.' He doesn't know exactly why but he knows if I can walk somewhere I am more likely to be persuaded to go.

I've come to be pretty good at the pretending skill for many aspects of life. It's kind of a necessity if I want to avoid making the weird attract the spotlight.

but beauty never leaves us if we're open to noticing it.

She was over being let down by me. So, she took the route of protecting her own feelings by simply not inviting me. Some friends give you only so many chances and I think I am close to running out with Sally. I have quite possibly already run out. We are still friends, but our friendship has changed because of my inability to engage in the way she needs me to. There have just been too many occasions where I haven't been capable of behaving in an acceptable way for her. She naturally reached the conclusion I didn't care about our friendship. She then went forth and matched this perceived lack of caring with her own.

I love seeing my friends happy. I really do. But jealousy seems to make an evil prowl around these moments with increasing frequency.

I suddenly realise that not only am I losing a potentially great relationship, I'm also losing a friend. This is going to change us. Of course it will, why did I not think this through? Another friend to add to the pile of lost people stolen from me.

I show up when I can.

'Promise me you will never stop trying. I know it's hard for you sometimes. It breaks my heart to see you struggle and I worry about you. Really worry. Sometimes I can't sleep because I think I should be doing something more to help you. And now I'm leaving, and I will have even less ability to help you so I'm going to worry even more. That's why you need to do this one thing for me Amy. You need to promise me you will never stop trying. Under no circumstances are you allowed to give up ok?'

I don't want to cause anyone pain. But the magnitude of pain I feel within myself is so overwhelming. Being in my current existence hurts. It hurts so very vastly there are no words that exist to truly depict its measure. I feel so drawn to just making it stop, regardless of any consequences.

I know the names well, it's just hard to say them out loud for some reason. As if voicing them gives them some kind of power. As though it brings them into existence.