The Existence Of Amy

by Lana Grace Riva

So, be it truth or inference, I can't win either way.

Those are their words but the expressions that flit between them are painful to receive. I read them fluently.

I, on the other hand, am not so lucky in the forgetting. I will go home and ruminate

I am stuck in most moments watching.

All my feelings seem to have got fed up and have fled my body.

Slowly somewhere at some time though an alarm bell decided to start making some noise.

I hear it loud and clear these days. It's near impossible to pretend and ignore.

I keep my eyes closed and stay still in a will to fall back, but it's a losing battle.

He doesn't know exactly why but he knows if I can walk somewhere I am more likely to be persuaded to go.

am often in situations where I have to reject kindness because the kind act becomes twisted in my head to translate to something inducing alarm.

people don't understand.

I am simply scared. So. Very. Scared. All. The. Time.

I start to feel anxiety I cannot simply get off at the next stop and extricate myself from the discomfort with speed.

I try and will myself to focus on breathing. Breathing will get you through this

Moving at speed cannot fix what has just happened but I still sense the need to run away from danger, so I comply.

Everything is blurred out around me, my body and my fear have such heightened focus, there is none left for anything else.

stand at the wash basin and wash my hands several times but it's not enough. It never feels enough.

The fear is still prickling at my skin.

Yes, I'm ok. But I won't be if you ask me. So, don't. Absolutely no asking if I'm ok. Ok?

I wish the weather was the only thing ever causing me to enter hibernation mode.

You are essentially trapped in a claustrophobic vehicle, unpredictable in its stability and offering very little in the way of personal space. You are trapped here for a period of time that will pass in a likely disproportionate speed to its actuality.

This is one environment where I don't have the option available to me to run. Instead I am left only with having to face everything that presents itself to me.

Anxiety seeps into every pore of my body and I stay still, completely rigid, any modicum of comfort that may have existed now harshly eradicated. Manically searching for some form of control over my environment. I can somewhat impressively maintain a heightened state of fear for quite the length of time.

More often than not it will abruptly realise what's happening and interject the story with – hold on, remember you are meant to be worrying about that thing that happened earlier?

It is almost as though I am in some state of delusion, believing there is one high up level of annoyance that if I reach, I will be popped back in time to correct my error.

It's normal behaviour so just be fricking normal for once

Think nice thoughts. Think nice thoughts.

I can barely understand it myself, therefore, trying to translate it to someone else seems a somewhat impossible task.

I am nearing a relaxed state. I am limited to being on the edge of it of course. I know I won't be allowed in but just being able to stand around the edge is pretty good.

I wake one morning and am immediately aware it is in full force mode today. Great.

I'm going to need to bear the force and hope it might weaken as the day goes on. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I have no say either way.

productive tasks have been swapped for what my brain assures me are tasks of far greater importance.

I stare in the mirror and scream words at myself. Inside voice screaming only.

Then wash my hands. Then wash my hands again. Then wash my hands again. And again.

I would be lying if I thought I could escape doing it altogether, it is impossible to barrier out my negative thoughts completely.

I can't. And so, I don't.

I've missed out yet again.

It's so distant and vague I almost miss it. But it's there. I can't get near it to fully grasp hold of it so all I can do is notice it and acknowledge it appear then gradually slip away again.

I spend my life feeling as though I am precariously placed on an almost invisible line of safety, surrounded by harm in all directions. Maintaining balance on this line is so far beyond the meaning of exhausting, no word exists for it. The temptation to let myself just fall swarms around me on a regular basis.

I can't help but feel that maybe I need to be more careful with my words and actions. Edit myself in some way.

'Not the jokey kind of OCD where someone might occasionally double check they've locked a door and say 'I'm so OCD about that door!'. There is nothing remotely jokey about the kind I have. It's taken over my life. It's taken over it and ruined it. Smashed it up into little pieces.'

'It's as though I'm looking out at a life that exists, but I'm not allowed to participate in it. The life I'm looking at appears to be fun, yet my brain is telling me there is all this invisible danger. So, every day I feel scared. Every day I feel exhausted.

I have not been allowed to engage for so long, it often cuts deeply when I see how easy it is for others.