The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture

by Gabor Maté

“There are indications that children today are losing their tender feelings,” Gordon Neufeld said in his penetrating European Parliament address.[7] “Many children have lost their sadness and disappointment . . . their feelings of alarm . . . their feelings of shame and embarrassment. Interestingly enough, research reveals when children lose their blush, they also lose their empathy. It turns out that caring too is a vulnerable feeling as it sets us up for disappointment. We know that the most wounding of all experiences is facing separation . . . Unfortunately, today’s children are subjected to more [parental] separation and more peer interaction than ever before.” The result, he concludes, is “a significant loss of feeling,” as the young brain’s defensive apparatus becomes stuck in an effort to “defend . . . against a sense of vulnerability that is too overwhelming.” Again, we see the child’s emotional apparatus being weakened, their felt sense of being human impoverished.