The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture

by Gabor Maté

It is sobering to realize that many of the personality traits we have come to believe are us, and perhaps even take pride in, actually bear the scars of where we lost connection to ourselves, way back when. The sources of these scars are most often evident in their shape, so to speak: in many cases, specific traits can be traced to particular kinds of wounding. For example, if we don’t receive the agenda-free, unconditional attention we all require, one way to guard against that deprivation is to become concerned with physical attractiveness or other attention-getting attributes or accomplishments. A child who does not experience himself as consistently and unconditionally lovable may well grow to be preternaturally likable or charming, as with many a politician or media personality. Someone who is not valued or recognized for who she is early in life may develop an outsize appetite for status or wealth. If we are not made to feel important for just who we are, we may seek significance by becoming compulsive helpers—a syndrome I know intimately. And here’s the final part of the disappearing act: as mentioned, in our culture, many of these compensations for what we lost are seen as not only normal but even admirable. Valued as “strong suits,” they too often encase and wall off the authentic self by assuming its guise.