What We Broke

by Marley Valentine

It is life’s greatest privilege to be in the presence of this man, to love this man and be loved by him.

We were spiraling. We had been all year. But my heart didn’t care. My heart was his and had been since the moment I laid eyes on him. To have and to hold. To love and protect. But there were also the unspoken vows. Like how my heart was his to wreck and to ruin. To damage and destroy.

I was confident we were the forever type of love, even if right now we are nothing more than a hollow center and frayed edges.

But as I acknowledge the shake in his shoulders as he sits on the cold sidewalk in the bitter night air, I would trade the bottle to be able to wrap him up in my arms. I would haul him onto my lap and let him bury his head in my neck as I tell him, over and over, everything will be okay. Not today. Not tomorrow. But if he was by my side, I would make it okay. Eventually.

“The only way I’ll ever let you go is if I’m six feet under.” I glide the tip of my nose down the length of his nape, enjoying the hitch in his breath and the way his body shivers against mine. “It’s till death do us part, baby. And we’re both still here.”

We aren’t just bound together by marriage vows, we are tethered. Like magnets, my soul couldn’t detach itself from his no matter how hard I tried.

He’s also the worst dancer I’ve ever laid eyes on, but Jesus Fucking Christ is he beautiful.

As if he can sense my unease, he just kisses me. And every time it’s like the first time. A new way to kiss. A new way for our mouths to talk. A new way for all the unsaid words to come out.

With his lips on mine, we just exist. One man confessing his truth, the other one absolving him of the burden. I know, in this moment, with this kiss, there will never be another man in my life like Jesse. Whether we extend our twenty-four hours or not, the damage is already done. I am irreparably changed. And I know he is too.

“You’re mine,” he says with such finality. “You’re my worry, my heartache, my burden. Whatever you think you are, whatever season it is for us, you’re fucking mine, Leo.”

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispers. “That you decided to stay.”

With the simplest of words, he is changing me. Digging himself so deep beneath the surface, I don’t know any other way to show him just how much I love whatever it is we’re starting but to be touching him. All the time, in any way I can.

I know my husband. I know he has insecurities and deep issues of inadequacy. I know he was trying to push me away because he thinks he’s the weakest link in our family. And if I truly believed that leaving me would guarantee him a pain-free and fulfilled life, I would’ve been the one to leave him a year ago. I would’ve handed him my bloodied heart on a silver platter—veins, arteries, and all—and begged him to go.

“I love you, Leo,” I say. “No matter what you try to tell yourself or how unloveable you try to insist you are. I. Love. You.”

He leans into me, mouth right by my ear. “Feel it,” he says, placing his hand over mine. His heart beats wildly against my palm. “It only does that for you.”

All our focus is on the beating heart of this unconventional family. Because that is what this is. It’s a family. I didn’t need extravagant words or displays of affection to know that I had been accepted by all of them. They are mine, just as much as I’m theirs.

I’ve always loved the way Leo says my name—with a lifetime of love and reverence—and now it is nothing more than a longing I feel down to my bones.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side like the husband I vowed to be,” he says. “Like the husband you’ve been to me.” My shoulders shake as he continues. “I’m so sorry for leaving you to grieve alone.”

“Because sometimes we hurt the ones we love, and sorry just doesn’t cut it.”

“Papa, I would tell you you were wrong,” she says, holding her hand out to me. I take it, squeezing it like a life raft. Taking the olive branch. “Life isn’t better without you as my dad; life is better because of it.”

Because with great love comes great loss, and with true love comes true pain. And no love is invincible.

I love you. You were made for me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not leaving me.

It’s always going to be Jesse and Leo. No matter what life throws our way, you will always find us together. Trying. Fighting. Loving.

Fight for the good. Earn your right to deserve the good. Nurture and love the good. And let it matter less what we broke, than the fact that we found our way back to each other.