Between Hello and Goodbye

by Emma Scott

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. —Rumi

He raised his eyes and the fiercest love surged through me. I almost didn’t recognize it as love, it was so tangled with pain and rage at the unfairness of it all.

A familiar song and dance. Jack’s place could have been a set in a play, one I starred in every week. Just change out a few details, switch out a few props, but the rest was the same. The same hangover, the same rush to get to work, the same walk-of-shame that I’d never actually felt shame about.

Regret was mixing uncomfortably in my upset stomach when I’d made a vow to myself to never regret a thing. To live life to the fullest and all that crap. But is it living life when you can’t even remember it?

I liked her. She was a pain in the ass, but I liked her fire and her wit…

Morgan had been able to get over our fucked-up childhood—a major victory. I’d done everything in my power to not let it take root in him the way it had in me. My pain ran deep, and I used it to keep me from being betrayed. I didn’t want to want anything, ever again.

Asher had left my crutches propped against the wall next to my bed. I reached for them and noticed the beautiful man had also left a glass of water and two Advil on my bedside table.

I smiled to myself, a warm feeling in my chest. Asher Mackey was a mystery. A grouchy teddy bear who was giving up his time off to help me, even if he wasn’t going to get a thing out of it.

She’s not in your life, I reminded myself. She’s only passing through.

I’m not going to rob myself of happiness right now by worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet.”

I wondered how many of life’s mysteries we write off immediately due to cynicism. How many avenues of healing or growth do we shut the door on because we think they’re not for us?

“I don’t see how this can go anywhere, but the last fucking thing I want to think about is saying goodbye.”

Men liked to think they conquered women. What a crock. We were the weaker sex, helpless in the face of our lust.

“Aloha means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen, to know the unknowable.”

I watched him go, feeling as if he were carrying some essential part of me and I’d never get it back.

The depth of it was real and scared me to death because no matter how close we were in that moment, we lived thousands of miles apart.

I was myself—or closer to whatever myself was—when I was with her. As if my own damn skin fit me better.

Faith and I were new, but how I felt about her seemed like it was set deep down in me. As if it’d been there forever and had just been waiting for her.

“We’re stuck, aren’t we? Trapped somewhere between hello and goodbye.”

I bent and kissed her, and we said our goodbyes. Again. And as I walked away from Faith, I had a deep certainty that there weren’t too many more times I was going to be able to do that.

I supposed I’d been lying about not wanting to walk away after all, because I walked away from him.

I’ve lived a full life, and though I’m not quite ready to say goodbye, when I do, I’ll look back on all my years, at the love I have, and be grateful. Because that is the measure of a life, my dear. The love you have. It’s worth everything.”

“That I… Oh God, okay, here goes.” I swallowed. “That I love you. I’m crazy in love with you and I don’t want to ever take a break or be apart or spend one more night without you beside me because I love you. Which I said already but I’m going to say it again because I’ve never said it before.”

I remember in college, reading a CS Lewis book that he’d written after he lost his wife. He said no one had told him how much grief felt like fear.

Silas’s expression sobered. “I know he is, but once he sees you, he can stop being the hero. Stop pretending he doesn’t need anyone.” He smiled gently. “That’s when the healing will start.”

They say growth comes through adversity and strength is built by resistance. I wasn’t growing in Seattle. I was stagnant in my own complacency, marinating in a sparkling, bubbly, adversity-free existence that had been wearing me down. I’d needed to step out of my comfort zone and grow, which was why I sought out Kauai in the first place. And it gave me Asher.

Seattle would always be there for me, but what I felt for Asher wasn’t going to come around again. I refused to let it go.

Grief will do that to you. It sucks a piece of your soul away.

I hung back, smiling, though my own eyes streamed watching that sweet little boy and my firefighter, wracked by grief and love at the same time. Because in the end, they were the same thing.

I couldn’t think of a greater torture than loving Asher Mackey and him not loving you back.

We’re all going to be okay.