That Summer Feeling

by Bridget Morrissey

because I never said anything I thought might make a moment worse.

In my experience, if life had indeed brought me a nice thing, something bad would inevitably arrive to balance it all out.

Tim and Tommy

the nooks?

“Exactly,” I confirmed. “Because when it’s over I’ll go back to my glamorous life of being a nuisance to your existence.”

No one could ever judge me too harshly if I judged myself harder and louder than they’d ever dare.

my one and only coping mechanism

Everything about my life felt like a placeholder: where I lived, what I wore, how I moved through the world.

Over and over, the only constant message the world had given was that romantic love failed me.

They were being so nice that tears filled my eyes.

It wasn’t infidelity. There was no big lie that had destroyed us. No abuse. It came down to something deceptively simple and painful—Ethan just didn’t want to be me with anymore.

I was surprised so many other people could afford this, but I’d gotten so used to living without stability that I genuinely forgot other adults had it.

i think this a lot

A vodka cranberry with lime,”

this girl might be me

I just let him do what he thought was right, because that was easier than trying to get him to understand a nuance that only made sense to me.

and it was the exact kind of ribbing I wasn’t built for.

I couldn’t handle being dragged through the mud for my faults.

Scary things could be fun. I’d forgotten.

Not that I really knew for sure. There was so much I felt like I’d missed in life.

She made me afraid to blink, because to miss even a single second was to miss something revelatory.

I was crying to weaponize my emotions against her. That’s how Ethan felt. Like I cried to make him feel worse, when in reality, my tear ducts operated separately from the rest of me. They just turned on, faulty faucets in my eyeballs incapable of being repaired.

When I saw myself struggling and I pictured the shoulder I would most want to cry on, it was a woman’s. When I asked myself who I liked to travel with, or who took the best pictures of me, or who made experiences the most fun, it was a woman. I’d tricked myself into thinking that meant friendship, because sometimes it did. But I’d spent my whole life muting the part of myself that wanted more from women.

been there. its' so jarring.

I knew I had the ability to go in any direction with it, and I chose to go toward being a nice woman who married a nice man at a reasonable age, settling down in a nice house to live a nice life.

I liked men. And women. Anyone, really. And I hadn’t let myself hold space for it, because I’d been so obsessed with ticking off boxes for the life I thought I needed to have that I didn’t pay much attention to the life I wanted to have.

I’d always thought I needed to earn my place in order to be accepted.

The older you get, the more you realize there’s a damn good reason to be afraid of just about every single thing in life. So you might as well do it all, because the fear sure doesn’t care either way.”

The life I used to want for myself was just a life that fit what I thought the world expected of me.

My queerness shifted the lens through which I viewed my whole life.

I needed to lean in harder, because it was a gift to be able to not just see the good in the world but embrace it.

it wasn’t because I’d spent the night heartsick and confused. I’d been content.

my very special roommate.

And they were roommates

Dara always took me at my word,

i don't take anyone at their word

A lot of the time, I’d felt it was up to me to be the one who shimmered enough for both of us. And I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted a teammate.

Except you weren’t a romantic. You were lazy. You never wanted to do more than someone asked of you.”

I’m so afraid to be right or wrong with all my choices that I don’t end up making any. I don’t even have a real career. I’ve never let myself pick, just in case I chose something that wasn’t optimal.

“I know this isn’t how you imagined this going, but it was actually really helpful to me. I know now that I’ve always felt like too much around you. And I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to feel like I’m just enough.”

The cold around my ankles reminded me again of the previous day’s disaster.

i really find it hard to belive that this lake in atlanta in the summertime is cold

It’s just so nice to be a part of someone else’s good memories,” I

her pretty spine,

what.

I said nothing is definitive. You’re not a friendless hack. Or any of the unkind things you think about yourself. All of that passes. It always does. The best gift you can give yourself is permission to keep figuring shit out, no matter how messy it is.