That Summer Feeling
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Read between June 16 - June 26, 2025
20%
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He thought I was pausing to mentally prepare to annihilate everyone at beer pong, not having a full-scale internal crisis over my capacity to love again after having my heart broken.
45%
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When I saw myself struggling and I pictured the shoulder I would most want to cry on, it was a woman’s. When I asked myself who I liked to travel with, or who took the best pictures of me, or who made experiences the most fun, it was a woman. I’d tricked myself into thinking that meant friendship, because sometimes it did.
46%
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I liked men because that was what I’d always seen as the obvious choice for me to make. I knew a lot of queer people, and the certainty with which they’d decided upon their queerness intimidated me. They spoke of knowing it since childhood, understanding they were different before they could even articulate how. I never felt like I knew anything about myself for certain.
47%
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I’d always thought I needed to earn my place in order to be accepted. Turned out, existing was the only thing required in earning my authentic life. Hour by hour, with the help of friends and crushes alike, I was remembering how to do that. To really exist. Not just survive. To be myself in all my completion. And I liked who I was becoming.
59%
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It used to be hard for me to cherish beginnings because I found myself anxious to learn what would come next. I always got too far ahead of myself.
60%
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I had been so fearful of inflicting pain on others, I ended up hurting myself. I had fallen over myself to fix things that couldn’t be repaired.
60%
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In a way, my old habit of romanticizing life was one of the only kindnesses I’d granted myself, because it was the only time I allowed myself to believe I deserved a love full of care. I didn’t need to shut that out anymore. I needed to lean in harder, because it was a gift to be able to not just see the good in the world but embrace it.
70%
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the only two people in their house, bitter about the fact that they’ve chosen to be stuck together for life, acting like they don’t have a say in the matter. So I fought with you over none of it. I shared no observation that seemed less than kind. Which means you were right about what you said when you left me. You told me I romanticized everything. That was true, just not really in the way you explained it.”
70%
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I’m so afraid to be right or wrong with all my choices that I don’t end up making any. I don’t even have a real career. I’ve never let myself pick, just in case I chose something that wasn’t optimal. So I’ve cobbled together a life of side jobs, always waiting for the big event to arrive.” I threw my arms up. “There is no big event! And I’m finally learning how to put myself out into the world without being so worried about how I’ll be received. No more stressing over who is gonna feel upset about what.”
71%
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Now that I knew how full I could be, how much space I could take up in not just life, but love, I couldn’t even imagine going back. It wouldn’t be a future I could see with him. It would be a revision of our past, done solely because I regretted making the mistake of marrying him in the first place.
71%
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real. I would always love him, in the same manner I loved all my past memories—with gratitude for what he’d given me, and the perspective to know I needed more going forward.
79%
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The answer would come. I believed that, because that’s who I was in my core—a person who believed in magic. Who found secrets tucked into the fabric of the universe. Who wished on shooting stars and took leaps of faith based on nothing but gut feelings. And my gut told me I’d find a way to take Stevie home with me.
82%
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What was love if not holding someone else’s hand through their chosen journeys?
82%
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I finally understood that the questions I used to ask myself all the time were the kinds that had no answers. Like, why did my home always feel dark, even in the daytime? When would I learn how to make myself into a person who didn’t cause trouble by feeling too much? Life didn’t come with a guidebook, or a checklist, or a set of accomplishments that had to be fulfilled to succeed. I got to determine what success looked like for myself.
90%
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For all the ways I’d looked at her, I’d never stop seeing something new.
91%
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I swore I heard the hermit thrush sing again, a surprising underscore to the words of my heart. Words I used to fear speaking. Too intense. Too romantic. Too much.
93%
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“I love you too.” It was so beautiful to tell people I loved them and not worry about sounding too intense. If anything, it was hardly enough. They deserved so much more than I could put into words.