You've Reached Sam (You've Reached Sam, #1)

by Dustin Thao

Sometimes, I wish the sun would never set, so we could stay here, enjoying each other’s company, talking like we always do, laughing at inside jokes, pretending like nothing could ever go wrong.

Every day these little reminders of him get harder to look at. They say moving on becomes easier with time, but I can barely hold a photo without my hands trembling. My thoughts go to him, they always do. I can’t keep you around, Sam. It makes me think you’re still here. That you’re coming back. That I might see you again.

I really need to focus again, and pull myself together, because what else am I supposed to do? The world keeps moving, no matter what happens to you.

“We have too many voices inside our heads. You have to pick out the ones that mean something to you. What story do you want to tell?”

It’s getting late. But we stand there in silence, just thinking and staring out at the other side of the world for a few more minutes longer before we finally have to head back.

I used to stay up all night, thinking about this. Mapping out a future together. Where we would live, the jobs we wished for, things we wanted to do. Now he’s gone and I’m left with a bunch of plans that have been ripped in half.

There are so many moments I wish I could relive again. Especially the smaller ones. The quieter ones that we often don’t think about. Those are the moments I look back and miss the most.

“I wish you were here,” I say. “I wish you were lying right next to me. I wish I could look over and see you smiling back. I wish I could run a hand through your hair, and know you’re real. I wish we could finish school and graduate together. So we can finally leave this place like we always planned, and find an apartment somewhere, and figure out the rest of our lives together so I don’t have to do it alone. I wish you were alive again . . . and I wish I had picked up the phone that night, so that all this would be different, and everything would go back to before . . .”

We just quietly live in this imaginary world where everything I wish for is still a beautiful possibility.

You want to feel something. Something meaningful, and intense. You want to feel that thing in your heart and stomach. You want to be moved. To care about something, or fall in love, you know? And you want it to feel real. And different. And exciting.”

Letting go isn’t about forgetting. It’s balancing moving forward with life, and looking back from time to time, remembering the people in it.”

“Life will pass right by you,” she says, her eyes focused on the road. “And you end up missing the little things, the moments you don’t think matter—but they do. Moments that make you forget about everything else.

But the truth is, no one experiences grief the same way, and we all come out of it differently. It’s okay to wish for those things, and even imagine him here with you. Because those moments inside our heads are just as real as anything else.”

I know you’re here, Sam. I can feel you. Because you’re everywhere. You were back in the coffee shop, there at the lake, somewhere waiting in these fields. All this time I’ve been wondering why we’ve been given this second chance. But maybe we’re always connected, even after you’re gone. Because I can never completely lose you. You’re a part of me now. You’re everywhere I look, falling from the sky like petals.

You see, I took you to all those places—like the fields, to see the stars that night—so that you’d always remember. So that whenever you looked up at the sky at night, you’d think of me. Because I didn’t want to let you go yet. I never wanted to say good-bye, Jules. And I never wanted you to, either. That’s why I stayed as long as I could. So don’t blame yourself for anything. It was me that was keeping you from your life. Maybe it was a bit selfish of me. But I was just so scared you’d forget.

You are my entire world, Julie. And one day, maybe I’ll only be a small piece of yours. I hope you keep that piece.”

But I still think about him. I think about him throughout my first week in college when I’m walking under the cherry blossoms. I think about him whenever I’m in town, grabbing coffee at Sun and Moon. I think about him when I’m on the phone with Mika, and we talk for hours. I think about him after an awkward blind date Oliver sets me up with. I think about him after a better first date with someone from my English class. I think about him after I finish writing our story and submitting it to a writing contest. I think of him when I win an honorable mention, and it gets published online. I think about him when I visit his house for Sunday dinners with James and his family. I think about him on my last day in Ellensburg, as I get ready to move to the city where we always planned to live together. And I think about him whenever I close my eyes, and see us together again, lying out there in the fields.