Hello Temptation (Hello, #3)

by Kelsie Hoss

Most people thought being fat was a moral failing—a lack of willpower against fatty foods. But I’d been fat my whole life, even though half our food came from Mom’s massive backyard garden. I was just a big girl. Always had been, always would be.

“Some people just don’t get happily ever after, at least not in the traditional sense.”

“Let him choose his intentions.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “You’re already assuming you know the ‘why’ behind what he did, but the truth is, Tyler’s the only one who knows.”

Confession: I’ve gone so long without a relationship that sometimes I have a hard time believing anyone would want to date me.

Confession: Sometimes, I wanted a hero to rescue me.

“I want you to see how you deserve to be treated.” My heart was a puddle on his truck floor.

“You deserve a hero. Someone who would take care of you, even though you’re capable of caring for yourself.” My lips parted. Was he saying... “A hero would lean in, kiss your forehead, and walk away, because, with a girl like you, he’d know the best is yet to come.”

I was in danger of hanging a Tyler Griffen poster on my ceiling like some kind of fifteen-year-old fangirl.

“A partner, a true partner, can change everything. They’ll bring out the best in you, force you to acknowledge your weak spots, help you grow faster than you ever could on your own. I’d hate for you to miss out on that because you don’t think you deserve it.”

Confession: I still struggle with my self-esteem.

I didn’t check the scale anymore, aside from the once a year I went to the doctor—and endured a rant about my BMI that left me crying for days. So there was a decent chance I’d gained or lost since they took my measurements.

I closed my eyes, embarrassed by my low self-esteem. I was almost thirty. Shouldn’t I be feeling good about myself by now?

“You want her falling for the real you and not some lame tip your brother gave you five minutes before the date. Just be yourself, okay? It’s enough. I promise it’s enough.”

“Do you know what it feels like to have people make fun of you at the beach for simply existing at your size? Do you know how it feels to walk by magazines and have headlines shouting at you that you need to change? Do you know how it feels to always be the funny fat friend?”

“Settling down is not the same as settling for less. It’s resting where you know you belong. Not needing to run and chase and search anymore. It’s the best feeling ever.”

Our eyes met, and her smile grew, deepened, and for a moment, all the air was gone from the room. All the people had vanished. It was her and me and the sound of the pounding in my chest.

“As long as you’re with me, I’ll do the dishes.” I bit my lip. “So. Freaking. Sexy.” Waggling his eyebrows, he said, “You should see me with a toilet brush.” “Talk dirty to me.” I winked, resting my head back on the couch.

And I knew it wasn’t healthy—you weren’t supposed to make someone your whole world, but damn it, she was mine. She was more than that. She was the air that I breathed, the sun on my skin, the ground underneath my feet, and the clouds I loved to get lost in.

“A few months apart is nothing compared to the lifetime you could have together.”

“When you and Tyler have arguments, because you will, don’t look at it like a break from the ideal life you want to live. Look at it as a chance to make things stronger than they were before.”

Don’t get caught up in keeping score, because in a marriage, you’re both on the same team.”

When you place the responsibility for someone else’s feelings or perspectives on your shoulders, you lose every single time. Just because you have grown up in a society conditioned to scorn fat people and view them as less than, just because you’ve navigated life in a bigger body and struggle to love yourself, doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love. You deserve love and affection at any size, even if you’re having a hard time loving yourself. Self-love isn’t a lightning moment where all of a sudden it all comes together and years of self-deprecation are undone. Instead, it’s a puzzle. You put little pieces together, one at a time, until you realize you were building a picture of yourself. Even when there are holes, pieces missing, you can start to see yourself for who you are. Who you could be.