Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

Affection can strengthen friendships not just when we’re happy with our friends but also when we’re upset with them. When we show affection while bringing up a concern, people feel challenged in a way that gives them dignity and makes them feel loved and empowered, instead of worthless. This allows them to be more amenable to our concerns. In college, Gabby’s boyfriend, Paul, was moving in with her and her roommates. But her other roommate, Tina, was sleeping in his room because her bed was covered in laundry. Gabby confronted Tina with a kiss on the forehead, a rub of her shoulder, and said, “I love you, but you can’t keep running away from your shit. You have to deal with it. I see a pile of clothing in the bed, and I know that’s why you’re not sleeping there. I have to go to class. But when I get home, I’ll do laundry with you. I’ll help you. I’ll bring back food and we’ll do this together. But it has to happen.” Tina reflected on this memory, saying, “Gabby will tell me in the most loving way to get my shit together. Other people tell me to do something, and I’m like, well fuck you. But with her, I actually listen because of how she says it.”