Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

When you meet up with your friend, share your feelings, but don’t criticize or blame your friend. When sharing your concerns, replace “You are . . .” with “I felt . . .” Focus on how your friend’s behavior impacted you, rather than blaming them. On Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us, she described blame as coping with discomfort by transferring it to someone else. How much you desire to cause pain is proportional to how much you are in pain. Let your thirst for revenge clue you in to what you need to attend to in your own life. And once you figure out what’s bothering you, share it. Sharing your world is also more likely to incite change in your friend. As Brown reminds us, when we instead label someone as a “bad friend” or “toxic,” we simultaneously tell them we want them to change but they can’t because their transgression fundamentally defines them.