Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

A solid sense of self, unrattled by the skirmishes that inevitably arise in close relationships, gives secure people the composure to grant others grace, which explains why, research finds, they are better at maintaining friendships and less likely to get into conflict. And when conflict does arise, secure people are less likely to use harmful strategies like withdrawing or over-complying. Whereas insecure people think solely about whether others meet their needs, secure people climb the emotional observation deck and consider their needs alongside others’. As Nick revealed, even when critiqued, the secure don’t go into a self-defensive mode where they protect themselves, disregard others, and unwittingly damage their relationships. They freely express their needs, not looking to blame or accuse, but to understand and be understood (more on this in the anger chapter).