Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

The exaltation of romantic relationships over friendship is a by-product of our larger cultural sphere. Prioritizing friendships requires unlearning this cultural message. We can relearn an important truth, one that is based on the science of friends and romance: having close friends betters our romantic relationships. Conflict with our spouse, one study finds, makes us secrete an unhealthy pattern of stress hormones, but only if we lack quality friendship outside the marriage. Studies have found that even for men who feel as if they have found their romantic soul mates, good friendship is still linked to better self-esteem. This research, combined with another study that finds that people are more resilient to negative events within their romantic relationship when they have friends (particularly for women who tend to have stronger friendships), suggests that maintaining friendships while in a romantic relationship is a part of what healthy romance looks like, one that isn’t crushed by the weight of each partner having to be everything to the other. Studies like these are evidence that making friends will help our romantic relationships thrive, and that one person can never complete us or fulfill us so deeply that we do not need or benefit from friendship.