Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

This research reveals what authenticity is and what it is not. It’s not a knee-jerk reaction we indulge when we feel bruised. It’s not wildly expressing our thoughts and feelings with wanton disregard for everyone else. Blaming, putting down, or attacking—these behaviors are more raw than they are authentic. Instead, authenticity flourishes in safety. It is a state of presence we access when we aren’t hijacked by our defense mechanisms. We’re not authentic when we’re distracted, multitasking, or saying things on autopilot, like compulsively responding “Fine” to a “How are you?” Authenticity occurs when we access feelings of safety—when we don’t feel the need to activate our defenses—even in the face of threat, judgment, rejection, or neglect, among other things. It’s who we are when we aren’t triggered, when we can make intentional, rather than reactive, decisions about how we want to show up in the world.