Daisy's Decision (Icehome, #15)

by Ruby Dixon

When I fell into the fire, my hair burned along with my face and arms. They cut off everything on one side while I was unconscious from the pain, and when I woke up and realized the butchered mess it was, vanity made me shave the rest.

After three years, though, all I’ve got are scars on my once beautiful face and an empty hut. I haven’t resonated. I have no mate. I feel cheated.

I don’t use oil any longer. My hands are rough but I can’t find it in me to care. I’m letting myself fall apart now that I’m ugly. There’s no point any longer.

But D’see has held my heart in her small fist from the moment she arrived on this world, all confidence.

“Maybe I don’t feel particularly strong right now, O’jek.”

“You are strong. Never think you are not.”

“Never ugly. Never.” She does not understand that when I look at her, I do not see scars. I see the bright-eyed, eager female who gave up a life of ease because she wished so desperately for a true mate and a family of her own. She is yet that female, and she is still perfection to me. Her face could be riddled with thick, ugly scars and she would take my breath away every time she smiled. “You are cruel to yourself.”

“I know,” I tell her, and slide closer. I put my arm around her shoulders and when she buries her face against my neck, I hold her tight. “I know.”

I can be happy for Penny and S’bren and sad for me at the same time. Others don’t seem to get that, but O’jek always understands me.

O’jek gives me a look of quiet intensity. “You are not ignored.” He pauses and then adds in a low voice, “And you are not unloved.”

“O’jek, I’m tired of waiting for resonance. I think you should give me a baby.”

I do want D’see. I do…just not like this. Not like I am her last choice. I am always last choice, and it makes my skin prickle with distaste. It is one reason I have always wished for resonance. For the first time in my life, I will be first to another. I will be the one chosen.

I want her to see me as O’jek, her mate, not O’jek the friend and the one that takes care of her. Perhaps that is what bothers me about this. I do not feel “seen” with this choice she makes. I feel…convenient.

There is nothing I’rec loves more than giving his opinion.

“No, D’see. You are still speaking as if you are living amongst the stars. No one here cares about your hands.”

“But do you wish to be J’hani’s plaything or do you wish to be D’see of Shadow Cat?” Oh. “Johani would not want me anymore,” I admit in a small voice. “My face—” “Your face is perfect,”

“I want you to know how to do it. I want you to know how to survive on this world so I do not worry that you will get lost and perish because you do not know how to make fire.”

“D’see,” he murmurs. “If you are thinking to talk me out of this agreement, telling me we shall have to repeatedly mate is not the way to do so.”

If we wait for the waves to calm, we will be waiting forever. We must learn to live our lives in the midst of the storm, yes?”

For some reason, she is obsessed with the fact that she has never mated, as if it increases her value to her future mate somehow.

“But what if there’s a wild animal out here?” I snort. “Then it is deaf from all the noise you have made as we crossed the hills.”

“D’see…” “Hmm?” I can practically hear his throat working. The words that follow sound as if they’re gritted out between his teeth. “Please practice me.” Oh, I like that.

“It is R’kh and R’khar. Why are they here?” I shrug, because I’m just as confused as him. “Maybe Harlow sent them to check on us? Or maybe they’re passing through?” He snorts. “There is an entire planet to wander. No one is just ‘passing through’ in the same area we are in. They are here for a reason.”

I don’t know if he hears me, but he simply nods. “If you cannot climb to me then I will climb to you. Wait there.” For some reason, I want to laugh at that. Where does he think I’m going to go?

“You are perfect,” he tells me, tipping my chin with a finger so I look at him. “Just looking at you makes my heart gladden, my mate. Do not ever think you are not the most beautiful female on this world. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” Oh. I blink at him. Where is this romantic side coming from? I feel like I know O’jek, but sometimes he truly astonishes me.

“Love isn’t a switch you can turn on and off, Daisy. I’m sure he still loves you. He’s probably got some massively blue balls at the moment, too.” I’rec frowns over at Flor, arms crossed. “Why would his balls change color? Of course they are blue.”

“And filled to exploding, no doubt,” Flor teases, making a crude gesture between her legs.

I’rec eyes Flor. “Do not speak for me, female.” “Do not call me female, penis,” she retorts. I’rec snorts with amusement. He leans back in the hut, his tail flicking in a teasing sort of way, and the smirk he gives Flor says this is a conversation they’ve had before.

“All I am saying is that you cannot chase after the most fragile female in the tribe and then get mad at her because she is fragile. Even I am not that rock-headed.”

That does it. She expects me to stand by while she touches herself—coats the very hut in her arousal—and do nothing as she calls my name?

Then, the thought fills me with grief. Why won’t he love me? Am I so very unlovable?

“You should have seen Vordis’s face,” Angie wheezes, laughing over her skins. “Waking up in the middle of the night to find his human mate chewing on his muddy boot. Poor man didn’t know what to think. I told him it was perfectly all right, that I wasn’t after the boot but the dirt instead.” Elly giggles so hard she wipes tears from her eyes. “He’d never heard of women having mineral cravings during pregnancy?”

“No!” Angie laughs harder. “I really thought he’d drag me to the healer and say that he’d broke me. Do you know what he did? He rolled over and went back to sleep!” “What?” I gasp, torn between laughter and surprise. “Why?” “He was convinced it was a nightmare!” Angie holds her sides.

The sound I’rec makes is downright derisive. “My clan brother is an idiot. ‘Just friends.’ As if I cannot smell him all over your skin. As if the entire tribe cannot.” He rolls his eyes. “’Just friends’ indeed.”