Let It Snow

by Beth Moran

Not only about Mum’s attitude to my career, but also how she’d belittled me in front of everyone, especially Henry.

But I was starting to appreciate that he was abnormal in some of the best ways.

‘I think the coolest thing you can do is be yourself.’ He paused, coughed, shrugged. ‘I always admired that about you.’

And then I remembered it was Henry, who had known me forever and in all that time had never once lied to make me, or anyone else, feel better.

‘That being so, we made that pact because we wanted to forget it ever had.’ There was a longer pause before Henry answered. He wasn’t laughing any more. ‘One of us made it for those reasons. The other person did it because he’d have said anything to make her happy.’

‘Better?’ ‘Yes. Thank you.’ ‘Not too weird?’ ‘It’s excruciatingly weird.’ ‘On balance, it’s less weird than waking up to find you’ve died of hypothermia while in the same bed as me.’

‘That would definitely be worse.’ ‘Note to self: contrary to previous statements, Bea considers touching me to be preferable to death.’

I still spent the rest of the school year ignoring him. Which on reflection, as I lay in the creaky old bed in a Scottish castle eleven years later, was probably one of the stupidest and meanest things I’d ever done.

What a pathetic, wretched waste of a childhood friend that had been.

Henry was quiet for a moment. ‘I’d say that if your family taught me anything, it’s the value of authenticity. Being true to yourself and what you believe to be important in the small things as well as the big ones.’

the only people I know who are as authentically themselves as you, Bea, is your parents. It’s really time you stopped beating yourself up about who you think you used to be.’ ‘Thank you,’ I managed

‘Only she might not have any time left.’ He was silent for a moment. ‘Maybe not. But the rest of us do.’

‘You’re not in the way!’ I said, unable to hide my disappointment. ‘You’re the nicest person here.’ He gave one, firm shake of his head. ‘If you knew what I was thinking when your boyfriend showed up this morning, you’d know that isn’t true.’

I took a deep breath. ‘It probably would. But, honestly, I want my mind on things. I need to stop running away every time things get hard and learn how to process what’s going on, so I can figure out what to do.’

‘But this is your life, and however noble and valiant and in line with the Armstrong tradition it might be to sacrifice it for the sake of others, you don’t need to do this. Just trust in the people you love.’

‘Every time, I felt that twinge of hope. That stupid, pointless hope. That maybe, this time, your whole world would stop revolving around him long enough for you to see me. I can’t go back to that. I’m working for your family now. I live in the stable block. Initially, part of the reason I applied for this school rather than anywhere else was because I actually fooled myself into thinking he was out of the picture for good this time. And then here he is, Christmas Day, knocking on your door. I can’t go on a few casual dates with you, as if it’s not that big a deal. As if I haven’t loved you since we were six years old. Like

I can’t let myself dare to believe we could be more than that, then have to go back to seeing you with him, shrinking yourself to fit his life, trying to be interesting and fun and cool enough for him to put you first this time. It kills me to say this, when you’ve just told me that you don’t hate the idea of marrying me, but please don’t ask me to be the thing that makes you feel better in between Adam.’

‘I want to understand you, Henry. Because the more I see of you, the more I find myself falling in love with you. You are the best man I’ve ever known.

‘Adam couldn’t come close to you. And even if he did, he’s not the man I want. Every second I was with him, all I could think about was you. To be honest, every second I’m not with him I can’t stop thinking about you, either.’