Columbus Day (Expeditionary Force, #1)

by Craig Alanson

A man’s voice, with a snarky attitude, rang out behind me. “Excellent! Bipedal, 1300cc brain, opposable thumbs. A hairless monkey. You can carry me out of here.”

“Great,” he said with a neutral soft white glow, “so, can you carry me out of here?” “You’re an AI, and you’re super smart, but you need me to carry you?” “You see any legs under my lid? Wow, you are stupid, even for a monkey.”

“Joe, I’m lonely. There, I said it.” “I talk with you all the time.” “Joe, I get lonely while I’m talking with you. You speak so slowly, and it takes so long for you to get your point across, that it’s like I’m waiting by the mailbox every day for a letter that contains a single word. I have to wait another whole day for the next word. When I wait, and I finally get a letter that just says ‘uh’ that day, I feel like screaming. Damn! I feel like reaching down your throat and dragging the words out, you speak so slow. Say it! Say it! Damn! Get the words out!” For a moment, I got a glimpse inside the real Skippy, the eons of pain he had endured. My own diagnostic system would say I was full-on crazy, if I was left alone for a single month. I couldn’t imagine how he felt. “You need more people to talk to.”

“Well, heh, heh, this is a funny story- “ Uh oh. “Funny ha-ha, or funny like, me spending time in federal prison?” “You didn’t do anything.” There was actually a defensive tone is Skippy’s voice. “They’re not putting you in prison, so, what did you do?” “Well, the internet bandwidth from here is skimpy, even with me compressing my messages, so I reached out to a place that seems to have connections to everything.” “Google?” I breathed a sigh of relief. “No, there's a place called Fort Meade, Maryland? It’s your National Security Agency. Some guy there has been tearing his hair out since midnight, trying to figure who hacked into their system.”

“You want to have fun causing trouble? Go online and start a credible rumor that Justin Beiber is going to play Darth Vader in the next Star Wars movie.” I suggested. “Oooooh, good one! I knew there’s a reason I hang around you, Joe. Ok, I just put fourteen minutes of what looks like pirated studio footage online-” I slapped my forehead. “Oh my God, what have I done?” “And I released an FDA study that Vegemite works better than Viagra-” “Stop it! I’m taking a shower, try not to launch any nukes while I’m gone.” “You know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, Colonel Joe. Hmm, how about-” I shut the door and headed down the hall to the bathrooms, wondering if I had time to buy stock in whatever company made Vegemite.

“Space suits.” I mumbled under my breath. “Oh, shut up, monkey boy.” “Space suits?” The president asked. “It’s a long story.” Skippy said. The president exchanged a glance with her national security director. “M-hmm. Everything seems to be a long story with the two of you.”

"I'm not abandoning you, Joe. I'm, hmmm. Maybe I am abandoning you. I don't want to. As monkeys go, you're reasonably entertaining, you even surprise me sometimes. That ain't easy, I got to tell you. I need to do this, you understand? I need to know who I am, where I came from."

In the original, very early version of Columbus Day, Skippy was a cute little robot who stowawayed on a ship when the Kristang invade Earth, and he helps Joe defeat the aliens.

I can see our Skippy being totally offended by this