Columbus Day (Expeditionary Force, #1)

by Craig Alanson

A man’s voice, with a snarky attitude, rang out behind me. “Excellent! Bipedal, 1300cc brain, opposable thumbs. A hairless monkey. You can carry me out of here.” I spun around in a panic. No one was there. “Who said that?” “Me. Here, I’m the shiny cylinder on the shelf. I unlocked that door." “You are? You mean you’re talking to me through a speaker in that thing?” “No, I am that thing. I am what you monkeys call an artificial intelligence.” I cocked my head and examined it skeptically. “You look like a chrome-plated beer can." That was a completely accurate description. The cylinder even tapered slightly at the top, and was ringed by a ridge. "You’re really an AI?" "Yup. You should refer to me as The Lord God Almighty.” “That position is already filled. I think I’ll call you Skippy.” “Don’t call me that, it sounds disrespectful, monkey.” “You prefer shithead? Because that’s the other option, Skippy-O.” I kept glancing around, fearing the Ruhar would hear me. “Can we compromise on The Great and Powerful Oz?” It asked. “I’m not a flying monkey, so that’s a no, Skippy.” “Unacceptable.” “How about we go for something more formal, like Skippy McSkippster?” “No.” “Skippy Skipperson? Skippy Skippkowski? Skippy Von Skipping? Or maybe Sir Skippy Skippton-Skippersworth?” “No, no, no and NO!” “I can go on like this all day.” “I believe you could.” Silence. “You going to talk, Skippy?” AI? Bullshit. Someone was playing a joke on me. “I’m mad at you.” “Hey, don’t go away mad, just go ...

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