Columbus Day (Expeditionary Force, #1)

by Craig Alanson

A man’s voice, with a snarky attitude, rang out behind me. “Excellent! Bipedal, 1300cc brain, opposable thumbs. A hairless monkey. You can carry me out of here.” I spun around in a panic. No one was there. “Who said that?” “Me. Here, I’m the shiny cylinder on the shelf. I unlocked that door." “You are? You mean you’re talking to me through a speaker in that thing?” “No, I am that thing. I am what you monkeys call an artificial intelligence.” I cocked my head and examined it skeptically. “You look like a chrome-plated beer can." That was a completely accurate description. The cylinder even tapered slightly at the top, and was ringed by a ridge. "You’re really an AI?" "Yup. You should refer to me as The Lord God Almighty.” “That position is already filled. I think I’ll call you Skippy.” “Don’t call me that, it sounds disrespectful, monkey.” “You prefer shithead? Because that’s the other option, Skippy-O.” I kept glancing around, fearing the Ruhar would hear me. “Can we compromise on The Great and Powerful Oz?” It asked. “I’m not a flying monkey, so that’s a no, Skippy.” “Unacceptable.” “How about we go for something more formal, like Skippy McSkippster?” “No.” “Skippy Skipperson? Skippy Skippkowski? Skippy Von Skipping? Or maybe Sir Skippy Skippton-Skippersworth?” “No, no, no and NO!” “I can go on like this all day.” “I believe you could.” Silence. “You going to talk, Skippy?” AI? Bullshit. Someone was playing a joke on me. “I’m mad at you.” “Hey, don’t go away mad, just go ...

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you’re not that smart, I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.” “Vist- that was a long time ago!” “It’s still an insult to computers across the galaxy.” "Whatever. So, why the beer can shape?" I pointed to the ring around the top of his lid, almost touching it. "A cylinder is optimal for power distribution and field projection. The ring your grubby finger is dangerously close to, yuck by the way, is for me to interface directly with a receptacle aboard the type of ship I was designed for. I think. Those details are hazy." "Cool. Can you make yourself a little bigger, like a forty ouncer malt liquor? Then I can put you in a paper bag and chill on my front steps, listen to some tunes."

The question is whether I believed a being that looked more like a Coors Light than an omnipotent AI. "Skippy, you've sold me on this deal. I still think you're at least 90 percent bullshit, but if there is any chance we can cut off Kristang access to Earth, I'm taking it. I'm sure not doing anything useful

When things change, even radically, you look at your buddies, shake your head, shrug, and adapt. That's what you do, as soldiers. Civilians get upset when the menu changes at Applebees.