Forever, Interrupted

by Taylor Jenkins Reid

“Because this is a first date, I’m going to say okay, but all subsequent dates, absolutely not. Brown rice tastes like cardboard and I simply cannot meet you halfway on that in the future.”

“I’m not sure if you’re still awake, but… thank you, Elsie. This is the first time I’ve been too excited to go to sleep since I was a kid.”

Don’t call it the body, you asshole. That’s my husband. That’s the body that held me when I cried, the body that grabbed my left hand as it drove us to the movies. That’s the body that made me feel alive, made me feel crazy, made me cry and shake with joy. It’s lifeless now, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on it.

I have to protect Ben’s wishes. I have to protect the body that did so much to protect me.

“You’re starting to stress me out. Give it a rest and stop trying to poke holes in a good thing.”

“Are we crazy here?” I asked. “I feel like you are such a different person than anyone I have ever met and I thought about you all day today. I… barely know you and yet I miss you. That’s crazy, right? I don’t know you. I guess I’m worried that we will be so into each other so quickly that we will burn out? Sort of an acute romance, as it were.” “Kind of like a supernova?” “Hmm?” “It’s some sort of star or explosion that’s so powerful it can emit the same amount of energy that the sun will emit over its entire lifetime, but it does it in, like, two months and then it dies.” I laughed. “Yep,” I said. “That’s pretty much exactly what I meant.”

I looked him straight in the eye and I told him what I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know. “Ben Ross, I’m not leaving you.” Before I could even get out the last syllable, he had thrown his body against mine, his lips against my mouth. It was sloppy and imperfect. Our teeth hit, making the side of my lip sting. But it was the moment I knew Ben loved me. I could feel it. I could feel that he loved me in a raw and real way, when it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, when sometimes it’s fear. I could feel his fear in that kiss and I could feel the desperation in his relief. It was intoxicating and it made me feel just a little less alone. The way we felt about each other, it made him do stupid things too.

“Just remember that if you wade too long in the misery of it, you’ll wake up one day and find that your entire life is built around a ghost.

“I know. I know. You don’t have to do it exactly like I did. I’m just trying to tell you that your life will be very long with zigzags you can’t imagine. You won’t realize just how young you are until you aren’t that young anymore. But I’m here to tell you, Elsie. Your life has just begun. When I lost Esther, I thought my life was over. I was twenty. I had no idea what was in store for me. Neither do you.”

“It seems like she’s just one of those people that can’t empathize or even sympathize. So, she doesn’t know how to talk to you because she doesn’t understand you.”

“Yes! Just marry me. You are perfect,” he said. “It’s hot in here.” “Okay, okay. I’m taking you home.” “But you will marry me?” he asked, smiling over at me, watching me drive. “I think that’s the painkillers talking,” I said. “Drunk words are sober thoughts,” he said, and then he fell asleep.

Dear George, I was wrong. You are wrong. We can live again. I’m not sure if we can love again, but we can live again. I believe in you. Love, Elsie

That is what true love is. True love is saying to someone “Forget about us. We will be okay,” when it might not even be true, when the last thing you want is to be forgotten.

If I ever feel one tenth as alive as I felt with you…” I wipe a tear from my eye and try to gain control of my wavering voice. “You made my life worth living. I promise you I am going to do something with it.”

“Have you ever heard of supernovas?” Susan asks me as we head toward the front gate. “What?” I almost stop in my tracks. “Ben was really into space as a kid and he had all of these space books. I used to read them to him when he couldn’t sleep, and I always loved the little chapter in this one book he had on supernovas. They shine brighter than anything else in the sky and then fade out really quickly. A supernova is a short burst of extraordinary energy.” “Yeah,” I say. “I like to think that you and Ben were like that,” she says to me. “That you ended abruptly, but in that short time, you had more passion than some people have in a lifetime.”

“I love you. I feel like I loved you from the moment I saw you in that pizza place, but I know that doesn’t make sense. I can’t live my life without you anymore. You are everything I have ever wanted in another person. You are my best friend, my lover, my partner. And I promise that I will spend the rest of my life taking care of you, the way you deserve to be taken care of. My whole life I was never looking for something bigger than myself, and then I met you and I want to dedicate every day of my life to you. You are it for me. You are why I am here. Without you, I am nothing. So thank you, Elsie, for being who you are, and for spending your life with me.”

Ana comes over for dinner. We eat, just the two of us, on my couch and we drink wine until it’s time to stop. I laugh with her and I smile. And when she goes home that night, I still have Ben in my heart and in my mind. I don’t lose him just by having a good time without him. I don’t lose him by being myself with her.

You don’t think you’d end up with a man that likes to read literature aimed at twelve-year-olds; you also don’t think you’ll lose that man so soon. But if that’s the case, I have many more surprises left in my life, and they can’t all be bad.

No matter how strong you are, no matter how smart you are or tough you can be, the world will find a way to break you. And when it does, the only thing you can do is hold on.

“Come on, Husband,” I said to him. “You gotta get up.” He opened his eyes and smiled at me. He lifted his mouth off the pillow and said, “What’s the rush, honey? We have all the time in the world.”