You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears,2 that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.

The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don’t get to the point fast enough.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned as a journalist is that everybody is interesting if you ask the right questions. If someone is dull or uninteresting, it’s on you.

“People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story,”

“If you go into every situation thinking you already know everything, it limits your ability to grow, learn, connect, and evolve,” Noesner said. “I think a good listener is someone who is open to hearing someone else’s experiences and ideas and acknowledges their point of view.”

Good listeners know understanding is not binary.

“What matters in life cannot be counted.”

When people feel known and appreciated, they are more willing to share.

“If you understood everything I said, you’d be me.”

As Sigmund Freud said, “No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his finger-tips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.”38 Good listeners pick up on the subtle signals others miss.