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It should be me, kissing you, touching you, inside you But instead, it’s him, getting you, every fuckin’ piece of you Those pieces should be mine - Camden Blackwood, Raging Chaos
at some point in the past year, I fell in love with Layla. I’ve waited for the day I can finally tell her and hopefully make her mine.
when Braxton and I sat down in the sixth grade and decided to start a band, I knew I wanted my lyrics to be less heavy and a bit more soulful. Braxton agreed. And when we met Declan—who is a hopeless romantic—and a year later, Gage—who didn’t give a fuck what we sang as long as he could beat the shit out of the drums—they were both on board with the vibe we wanted to create.
“Tori’s dead. I’m at the hospital. She’s gone, man.”
“She texted she wouldn’t be able to make it to the party. I knew she’d been down lately, and I didn’t want her to miss our last night.” A sob escapes his lips. “I showed up at her house…” He swallows thickly. “I was too late… Fuck!” He roars. “I was too fucking late. She’s gone.” Tears slide down his face, and I pull him into my arms, holding him tight. “She’s gone,”
When it loads, I find a picture of Layla and David with smiling faces, but that’s not what has my attention. Because also in the picture is her hand, with a diamond ring on her left finger. The caption reads: He asked, and I said yes! And just like that, my entire world is blown apart.
Lately, I’ve been sitting in the dark Drinking whiskey Wondering how the hell I let her get ahold of my heart It wasn’t hers to take It sure as fuck wasn’t hers to break
Looking back, I have to wonder if I was ever even in the game Guess it doesn’t fuckin’ matter ’Cause the outcome was always meant to be the same Sharp, jagged pieces all over the floor That’s all that was left when she walked out the door Camera in her hands All I wanted was to see the world through her lens Would it be beautiful, magical, or would it all be a blur? Would I ever know what she’s thinking? Or would I always wonder why I was never enough for her? Sharp, jagged pieces all over the floor That’s all that was left when she walked out the door
Nobody warned me how hard it would be To watch that gorgeous woman walk away from me Thousands of miles apart Should’ve been easier than this to piece back together my heart
Like the perfect lens has been shattered I’m trying to see past her, but she’s all that mattered Life has turned into one blurry mess I need to refocus, finally put her to rest Sharp, jagged pieces of my broken heart all over the floor That’s all that was left when she walked out the door
“You look good, Shutterbug. Really damn good.”
“I’m pretty sure it was self-explanatory,” Bailey says. “That was my brother’s poetic attempt to get over you.”
the black, gray, and white shaded camera with the cracked lens. There’s one word written in script across the front of it: Shattered. The name of the song Camden sang last night.
“For the record, your mom isn’t the only one who missed you, Shutterbug. I’ve missed you too.”
“I’m divorcing you because you turned into someone I don’t know. You hit and raped me.”
“You’re my wife! I had sex with my wife. I didn’t rape you.” “I begged you to stop. You hurt me. You made me bleed.”
“That boy… David… he hurt her, and I imagine her wall will be really high, but I have no doubt you’ll be able to knock it down.” She winks playfully. “And once you do, I bet your love will be just as beautiful.”
“Maria went into cardiac arrest. Because she signed a DNR, we weren’t able to resuscitate her. I’m sorry, but she didn’t make it.”
I look down at our hands, remembering the last conversation Nanna and I had. I’ve never been the type of person to believe in fate. But right now, while I would give anything to have Nanna back, I’m wondering if maybe, as her last gift to me, she brought Layla and me together. Because had she not passed away, I’d still be across the country instead of sitting right here holding hands with the only woman I’ve ever loved. “I think you’re right,” I tell Layla. “I think my heart will eventually heal.”
“There’s nothing to continue. One day, I would love to work with musicians. I would love to make documentaries and music videos, but that can’t be right now. Being a newly single mom means having to put my son first. Like now… going to pick him up from school because he’s sick. “My life, my priorities, doesn’t meld with that of a rock star’s.” She looks at me, and I feel the double meaning in her words: our lives, even though she knows I’m here for her, knows I’m in love with her, would never work because we’re two different people. She’s a mom, and I’m a musician. Well, fuck that.
“You’re perfect, Layla. You’re smart and sweet, and those assholes cheating on you is their issue, not yours.”
“This is my second chance,” he says, shocking me. “I let you go once, but I can’t do it again without telling you how I feel. I’m in love with you.
“You don’t need to know anything right now except that I’ll be waiting for you to be ready, and once you are, I want my chance with you.”
“I’m Camden Rocco Blackwood, lead singer of Raging Chaos. It’s nice to meet you.” I snort out a laugh at his introduction and accept his hand. “I’m Layla Isabella Kessler. Can I have your autograph?” I flip my hair playfully, making him laugh. “Oh, Shutterbug, you can have way more than that.” “Oh, yeah?” I play along. “Like what?” “Me,” he says, using my hand to tug me toward him. “You can have me.”
“I’m thankful for my mommy because she lets me stay up past my bedtime sometimes and because she signed me up for dance classes, and Grandma because she lets me have another cupcake when Mommy says no…” Felix looks around the table and stops on Camden. “My friend Cam for buying me the new Sonic game.”
“Despite losing one of my favorite people, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. It’s the first time in a few years that we’ve been able to be home.” His gaze skates over to Declan, Braxton, and Gage. “I’m thankful for another year of success with Raging Chaos. It’s been a wild ride thus far, and I can’t imagine being on it with anyone but you guys.” The guys raise their glasses and tip their chins up, silently agreeing. “I’m thankful for the home-cooked meal,” he continues, glancing at my mom and then his. “It’s been a tough few weeks without Nanna. I miss her daily phone calls and her
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“I feel broken. I know I shouldn’t. I know what David did to me wasn’t my fault, and it’s on him. He allowed his anger and jealousy to steer his decisions. I know… I know I didn’t do anything wrong… at least not that warranted to be raped.”
And if I couldn’t keep them satisfied and only wanting me, how the hell would I ever keep a man like Camden satisfied? He’s a rock star, for God’s sake. He has beautiful women throwing themselves at him every damn day. What do I possibly have to offer him that he can’t get from all those other women?”
“I don’t know all that went on in your marriage, but what I do know is that I’d give anything to be able to come home to you every day. Your boyfriend from high school cheated on you because you moved away, and he was young and not thinking about forever, and your husband… he cheated on you because he’s a damn fool. But neither of those circumstances were because of you.”
“Sex is sex, Layles. Guys can get off with anyone. Give them a warm hole to sink into, and they’re good to go. But what a guy can’t get just anywhere is a good woman. Someone who supports and loves him. Who is there, day in and day out, making sure their family is taken care of. And all of those things are found in the home, not outside of it. David made the same mistake many men make. He was too busy looking outside to pay attention to what was inside.”
“And we’ve already concluded that he’s a fool. David didn’t deserve you. He didn’t appreciate you. Because if he did, he would’ve been too busy looking inside to notice anything beyond those walls. He had everything. The beautiful wife, the adorable kid. A loving home. And he lost it all because he chose to look outside instead of cherishing and appreciating what he had on the inside. But that’s on him, not you, and it’s sure as hell not fair to throw his dumbass choices on me.”
“If I had you, I know I’d never look outside. Them fucking blinds would stay closed.” He smirks, and I find myself laughing. “You’re beautiful and smart and sexy as fuck, and if I’m ever lucky enough to get you inside my four walls, I will prove to you every damn day that you’re all I see… all I want. That there’s nothing worth looking outside for.
But selfishly, I’m so fucking thankful he showed his true colors, and because of his stupidity, I was able to tell you how I feel. I missed my chance all those years ago, but I’ll be damned if I let you slip through my fingers again.”
“I need a little bit of time,” I tell him, needing to be honest. “I heard everything you said, but the truth is, I never knew you felt that way. Right now, I’m trying to wade through my mess of a life, and I don’t think I’m in a place where I can be what you need. I know you said you’d never cheat on me, but I don’t want to enter into a relationship feeling insecure. And I know that’s not fair to you because you haven’t done anything wrong, but I can’t help how I feel.”
“But… I wanna stay with you. I don’t want you to be lonely.”
“This is not what you wanted. You wanted a husband who would love and cherish you, who would treat you with respect and honor the vows he made. Unfortunately, David turned out to be a rapist asshole. Now, you’re doing what you have to do, not what you wanted to do, and if it means you cry, then fucking cry, and I’ll sit on the phone with you while you do.”
“I’m not taking any chances this time. I’ve wanted you for eight years. When you got pregnant and then married David, I thought I’d lost my shot. I’m not gonna lie, a part of me kept holding on to hope, which makes me sound like a dick because that means I was banking on you eventually getting a divorce, and I shouldn’t have wanted that for you. You deserve to be happy, even if it’s not with me. But still, here we are, and as I said before, I’m not taking this second chance lightly. If we don’t end up together, it’s because you don’t want to be with me. And if that’s the case, it is what it
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“He’s your ex, and he’s Felix’s dad. I know that in order for us to have a real chance at being in a relationship, I have to be open to hearing about him.”
“This isn’t a one-time thing or just two friends reconnecting. I want you in every way that matters. I want all of your days and your nights. Your happiness and your sadness. I want your tears and your laughter. I want your body…and your heart.”
“You have me. I don’t know how this will all work, but you have me. All of me. I’m all in.”
“Because my hope is that you’ll want me for the rest of our lives.”
“For you, Mommy. I helped Cam pick it out.”
“My goal in life is to spoil you and Felix. To show you both every chance I get how special you are to me.”
“I was thinking about something you said before.” She looks up at me. “What is that?” “About how many women have been hurt by their husbands, and more times than not, nothing happens to them. Every year, the guys and I donate to various charities, but I was thinking, what if we start one of our own instead of donating this year? One that focuses on helping women who have been in your situation but don’t have the resources you have to get the help they need.”
I drop onto one knee and pull out the ring I purchased. Bailey thinks I should’ve taken one step at a time—either propose or ask her to move in—but here’s the thing: I want it all. Every-fucking-thing. And I want it with her.
“I want to marry you and live here with you. Yes!”
“I love you. You’re the best mom ever. I hope you have chocolate cake.”
“You’re the best mom ever ’cause you let me stay up late and watch movies. Happy Birthday.”
“Wait, Mom. Stop!” Felix drops his hand over hers before she can take another bite. “If the baby is in your belly, and you’re eating cake…” He takes his finger and drags it from her throat down to her belly button. “Does the cake fall on the baby’s head?”
“I made it for you because I love you,” Felix says proudly.
