A Mage's Guide to Aussie Terrors (R'iyah Family Archives #2)

by A.J. Sherwood

“Whose bright idea was this, again?” “Yours.” “Dammit, I was afraid of that.”

Something’s wrong in Australia.” Bel stared up at him. Glared, really. “Something’s always wrong in Australia.”

“I’ve been so bored without you. Zia keeps saying mean things like ‘that will break a limb’ and ‘I’m not taking you to the hospital if you survive that.’

We’ll let Nico have first stab at it, though. He’ll sulk otherwise.” Nico flashed his friend a brilliant smile and knuckled a tear from his eye. “You’re a true friend, bro.”

“If it really is a giant creature, I’m sending you two in first.” This did not deter Nico. In fact, he looked like a child promised a shiny toy. “You promise?”

“Awww, G, you do love me.” “Absolutely, Nico. I volunteered you as bait because I love you.”

“Why am I the file holder?” Nico gave his lover a wry lift of his brow. “Would you rather be the file reader?” “Uhh…I feel like this is a trick question.” “Just hold files, Nico.”

“Nico, keep in mind that if you get injured on this job, neither of us will let you play alone with a swamp monster ever again.”

“Garen, bless your brain. Come here, I need to kiss that brain.”

hellhounds are not pets. They are ferocious guardians and incite terror in men’s souls.” “Yeah, no, don’t buy it. They’re too cute playing fetch and getting belly rubs.”

“I love how no one at this table is terrified of the gatekeepers of Hell.” “Hey, I’m trying to make friends before I get down there,” Wicky riposted cheerfully.

Nico felt like several of his childhood fantasies were about to come true, all at once. He got to fight Godzilla with a lightsaber. What child didn’t fantasize about that?

They’re on an Army base. It’s not like they can find much trouble here.” Bel had no such faith. Find trouble? No, probably not. Create trouble? Absolutely.

It forced him to walk around looking at everything like he was suspicious of it. What about you, nightstand? Huh, you sketchy piece of shit, did you eat it?

“Nope. I’ll cuddle you later. I need you up now.” One eye creaked open. “I thought I liked you. I’m no longer sure.”

“Did you wake me up just to find your charger for you?” Knowing better than to answer directly, Garen misdirected. “I can’t go get coffee for you with my phone dying.”

With a jerk of the chin, he indicated Douchebag and gave a hopeful tilt of the head toward the railing. It’d be easy to disappear him. Problem eaten and gone, yeah? Garen gave a slight shake of the head. No. Dammit, don’t be a spoilsport. It’s just a little murder.

Come on, Australia, do your job. Nico needed something killed.

“And what, you’re having this conversation exclusively via eyebrow?” “We didn’t want to be loud,” Nico explained modestly. “Are we too distracting? Wicky, let’s change to something else.” “Air guitar work for you?” Wicky inquired, the very soul of helpfulness.

It was a magical lightsaber that was awesome and stabbity. What else was Nico supposed to do? Let it languish about being nameless? For shame!

Yeah…so the usual Garen had obviously decided to take a vacation. Homicidal Garen was now in the house.

Wow, yeah, looked like murder was the only answer.

“I bought you booze. I am not to be corrected.”

that truly serious way that only the absolutely drunk could manage.

Wicky hoisted his beer in a salute to himself. “Follow me, and you’ll never be hungry or sober again!”

Nico, don’t you want to go back to Bel?” Nico blinked at him sadly, tears in his eyes. “Miss Bel.” “Well, I’m taking you to him. Try to put more effort into walking, will you?” “Going to Bel?” “Yes, going to Bel,” Wicky repeated patiently. Nico lit up, smile supernova bright. “You’re such a friend. BEL, I’M COMING!” And that was his eardrum. Oww. Garen snorted as he woke up, looking down at Zia, then around in confusion. “Where’s Bel? Nico, where’s Bel?” “Going to Bel,” Nico reported happily. It was in that moment Wicky decided he would never, for as long as he lived, let these two live this down. That was what true friends were for.

if he stayed close to Spencer any longer, something horrendous might happen. He might catch cooties or something.

“How would you feel about an accidental murder?” She eyed him back, eyes twinkling. The expression was promising. Her response was not. “As tempting as that might be, don’t. The paperwork for a death on foreign soil is no joke,

“Reject diplomacy. Embrace bonk.”

“Does this fun thing involve danger and/or destruction of government property?” “Nope,” he said, popping the p. “Will it end with one of us in traction or a cast tomorrow?” “Uh…hope not.” “Alright, I trust you enough to let you continue. What’s this fun thing?”

it was a division of labor. Nico bonked things. Bel wrote up the reports about it.

How field tested is it?” “I mean, I used it for at least two hours. I’d say it’s good to go.” “Sounds legit.”

The cave was very cave-y.

whatever you do, no matter what Nico says, you are not to let him keep one of the hellhounds.” Belphegor blinked down at him, his innocence so pure it was absolutely fake. “But, my child, think of it! It would be another added protection for you, and the hounds do love your familiar so.” Bel made his expression and tone firm. “No, Grandpa.” “Whyever not?” “Because my house is flammable.” “I’m sure we can negotiate this.”