We'll Always Have Summer (Summer, #3)

by Jenny Han

I would rather have had someone shoot me in the head with a nail gun, repeatedly, than have to watch the two of them cuddling on the couch together all night.

“Was it as good?” he asked me. “Yeah. It was.” Conrad reached out and wiped my chin with his shirt. It was maybe the most intimate thing anyone had ever done to me. I felt light-headed, unsteady on my feet. It was all in the way he looked at me, just those few seconds. Then he dropped his eyes, like the sun was too bright behind me.

My T-shirt was damp from his head on my shoulder. Mechanically, I started cleaning up the mess, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. What just happened? What did I almost do? This time wasn’t like with the peaches. This time it was all me.

Conrad was still looking out for me. Silently, I got out of bed, crossed the room, and felt my way around my bureau until I found it. My glass unicorn.

He called out, “I still love you.” I froze. And then slowly, I turned around to look at him. “Don’t say that.” He took a step closer. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get you out of my system, not completely. I have… this feeling. That you’ll always be there. Here.” Conrad clawed at his heart and then dropped his hand. “It’s only because I’m marrying Jeremiah.” I hated the way my voice sounded—shaky and small. Weak. “That’s why you’re saying all this all of a sudden.” “It’s not all of a sudden,” he said, his eyes locked on mine. “It’s always.” “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late.” I turned away from him.

see you again, and everything I planned goes to shit. It’s impossible.… I love Jere more than anybody. He’s my brother, my family. I hate myself for doing this. But when I see you two together, I hate him too.” His voice broke. “Don’t marry him. Don’t be with him. Be with me.”

started walking again, and this time he didn’t follow me. I didn’t look back. Couldn’t look back. If I saw his face again, I might not be able to leave. As I walked, I told myself, Hold it, hold it, just a little longer. Only when I was sure he couldn’t see me, only when the house was in sight again, that was when I let myself cry. I dropped down in the sand and cried for Conrad and then for me. I cried for what was never going to be. It’s a known fact that in life, you can’t have everything. In my heart I knew I loved them both, as much as it is possible to love two people at the same time. Conrad and I were linked, we would always be linked. That wasn’t something I could do away with. I knew that now—that love wasn’t something you could erase, no matter how hard you tried. I got up, I brushed the sand from my body, and I went inside the house. I climbed into Jeremiah’s bed, next to him. He was passed out, snoring loudly the way he did when he drank too much. “I love you,” I said to his back.

“What do you want from me?” he yelled back. “I laid myself fucking bare last night! I put it all out there, and you shut me down. Rightfully so. I get that I shouldn’t have said any of that stuff to you. But now here I am trying to find a way to come out of this with just a little fragment of pride so I can look you in the eye when this is all over, and you won’t even let me have that. You broke my heart last night, all right? Is that what you want to hear?” Again, I was at a loss for words. And then I found them. I said, “You really are heartless.” “No, I think you might actually be the heartless one,” he said.

still love you. I never stopped. I think you know it. I think you’ve known it all along.”

“Belly told me that a part of her will always love you. Are you still trying to tell me you don’t care?” She said that? “I never said I didn’t care.”

I thought I could do it, fight for her till the end, not think about anyone else. Just grab her hand and run. But if I did that, wouldn’t I be proving Belly wrong? I wasn’t a good guy. I would be a selfish bastard just like Taylor said. But I would have Belly next to me.

“To… what should we toast to?” “What else? To the happy couple.” Without looking at me, Laurel said, “How are you doing?” “Good,” I said. “Great.” “Come on. This is your Laura you’re talking to. Tell me. How are you feeling?” “Honestly?” I swigged my beer. “It’s pretty much killing me.” Laurel looked back at me, her face tender. “I’m sorry. I know you love her a lot, kid. This must be really hard on you.” I could feel my throat starting to close up. I tried to clear it, unsuccessfully. I could feel it coming up in my chest, behind my eyes. I was going to cry in front of her. It was the way she said it, it was like my mom was right there, knowing without me having to tell her. Laurel took my hand and clasped it in hers. I tried to pull it away, but she held on tighter. “We’ll get through it tomorrow, I promise. It’ll be you and me, kid.”

“Jere, no. Don’t. Please just sit here and talk to me.” “Why are you protecting him?” “I’m—I’m not. I’m not.” He looked down at me. “Are you marrying me to erase him?” “No,” I said, and it came out more like a gasp. “No.” “The thing is, Bells, I don’t believe you,” Jeremiah said, and his voice was strangely flat. “I see the way you look at him. I don’t think you’ve ever looked at me like that. Not even once.”

“You weren’t exactly asking for my permission when I walked in on you kissing her in your car. Yeah, I still gave you the go-ahead, because I trusted you to take care of her and treat her right. Then you go and cheat on her in Cabo during spring break. So maybe I should be the one asking if you love her or not.” As soon as I got the last word out, Jere’s fist was connecting with my face, hard. It was like getting hit with a ten-foot wave—all I could hear was the ringing in my ears. I staggered backward. “Good.” I gasped. “Can we get out of here now?” He punched me again. This time I fell to the ground. “Shut up!” he yelled. “Don’t talk to me about who loves Belly more. I’ve always loved her. Not you. You treated her like garbage. You left her so many times, man. You’re a coward. Even now, you can’t admit it to my face.” Breathing hard, I spat out a mouthful of blood and said, “Fine. I love her. I admit it. Sometimes—sometimes I think she’s the only girl I could ever be with. But Jere, she picked you. You’re the one she wants to marry. Not me.”

“I need you to know that no matter what happens, it was worth it to me. Being with you, loving you. It was all worth it.” Then he said, “I wish you both the best. Take good care of each other.”

Please just never go. Please just always be near me, so I can at least see you. Because it felt final. I always believed that we would find our way back to each other every time. That no matter what, we would be connected—by our history, by this house. But this time, this last time, it felt final. Like I would never see him again, or that when I did, it would be different, there would be a mountain between us. I knew it in my bones. That this time was it. I had finally made my choice, and so had he. He let me go. I was relieved, which I expected. What I didn’t expect was to feel so much grief. Bye bye, Birdie.

So no, he didn’t give me flowers or candy. He gave me the moon and the stars. Infinity.

This is our start. This is the moment it becomes real. We are married. We are infinite. Me and Conrad. The first boy I ever slow danced with, ever cried over. Ever loved.

Also—in case I haven’t made it clear… I think about you a lot. You’re pretty much all I think about. Just so we’re clear. Conrad

Merry Christmas, Belly. Remember last year? Me and you at the summerhouse? Best Christmas of my life. Love, Conrad