Unraveling the Threads of Fate

by Alice Winters

“I like your… statue in the shape of a vagina. It’s very progressive.” “It’s a flower.” “Oh. Clearly, I haven’t seen too many.” “Flowers?” he asks with a grin. “Yeah.” “When I told my mom what it looked like, she told me I was depraved, and that this was why I was alone,” Bishop says, looking amused.

“Now where do you want me?” “Just like… here, I’ll sit down, and you lie down and like… put your head on my lap,” Bishop decides. The position sounds weird, but I lie down and set my head on his lap in what has to be the most awkward position to ever eat a donut. “I feel like I should have finished my donut first. Like you can’t even put me to sleep while I’m still eating, but it’s too late. Do I sit back up? Do I just gaze awkwardly up into your eyes while eating?” “You’re the one crawling into my lap.” “You told me to,” I say before finishing off the donut. “What’s jabbing me in the ear?” “My phone.” “Oh.” “Disappointed?” “Momentarily.”

“You don’t need to apologize. How’s this? Neither of us will apologize to each other ever again,” Alex suggests. “So even if I like push you into the ditch, I don’t have to apologize.” “Nope.” “So if I like… tossed your donuts out into the parking lot, I wouldn’t have to apologize,” I say. “Okay, now that goes beyond apologizing. You’ll be lucky to still be walking if that happens,” Alex decides. “You never, and I repeat never, fuck with a man’s donuts, you hear me?”

“Hellllo,” Alex says. “Alex… so… I’ve been thinking, and I believe it’d be best for us to continue our… bonding so we can get this over with quickly, and then I don’t ever have to see you again,” I announce. “Is this Bishop?” he asks, even though he can clearly see me standing on my porch holding my phone. “Obviously.” “Oh. My. God. Did… no… did your papa lock you out of your own house?” he asks, sounding borderline gleeful. “I swear to god, the amount of glee in your voice right now makes me never want to see your face again,” I decide. “Too bad because I’m getting closer to see your face. I want to know what rejection looks like. I mean… imagine being thirty and your papa locked you out of your own house for hanging out with a bad boy,” he says as I see him inching closer and closer. “You’re like a schoolteacher. I’m not sure how ‘bad boy’ you can get.” With a deep sigh, I walk over to the car where he rolls down the window a few inches. “You need something?” “Can I stay… with you, so I don’t have to call my dad and promise him I’ll never disobey him again, which is one hundred percent what he’s waiting for,” I say. “Hmm… the last time I had you in my car, you told me that you thought I had, and I quote, ‘abducted you.’” “I was mistaken.” “Uh-huh. Hop in, King.”

“I told her he was the mailman, but she doesn’t believe me. I never lie, though,” Alex says. “He showed up at the door, told our mom he had a package for her, and she was in the bedroom examining that package for hours.” “EW. Alex, you’re a monster,” Cali cries as she plugs her ears. “The whole trailer was rocking,” Alex says. “You are disgusting,” she says.

Alex glances back at Cali as he waits for the light to turn green. “Bishop is what you call a leech. He just rides along on the coattails of others, clinging on for dear life. That’s why his hair has the swept-back look, from the breeze as he’s dragged along.”

He glances over at me and gives me a smile. A smile that makes me instantly smile back. Fuck. “Of course. Any time you need something to laugh at, give me a call. I’ll flounder before you some more,” he says. “I’d like that.” And with that, he drops me off at my car. I get inside and start the vehicle, pleased to see there’s no ticket on the window for my haphazard parking job, but disappointed I don’t have an excuse to hang out with Bishop. Bishop’s car starts to pull away before I see the red brake lights come on and then he backs up until his car is beside mine. He rolls the window down, so I roll mine down as well and look over at him. “Can I take you out on a date?” he asks. My jaw drops. “I thought you were straight.” “Not exactly.” “Why the hell didn’t I know this?” I ask. “I was a kid last time you asked. I didn’t know what I was. So? I mean… I know all I’ve done today is perform sexy displays of amazingness…” I grin at him. “Sorry, I had to replay all the sexy parts in my mind. It didn’t take long.” “You’re very evil today,” Bishop says, which does nothing to dissuade my grin. “I’d love to.” “Friday?” he asks. “I’ll pick you up in my awesome car.” “Will I have to drive myself?” “Not this time.” “Deal.”

I head back to my office and pull out my phone. Me: I just adulted so hard, you’d be proud of me. Alex: Yeah? Did you learn how to turn on the oven? Me: … Me: Not yet. Alex: What about the washing machine? Tackle that bad boy yet? Me: How did this turn violent toward me? Alex: Did you unwrap your own silverware? Me: You are a monster. Alex: You like it and you know it. So? What’d you do? Me: I told my father that I was going to either buy my house or buy a different house. So he sold it to me. Alex: That’s amazing! Congratulations! Me: I feel like I need to mention he sold it for $200k. Alex: … That’s about how much your landscaping costs and maybe the front door. Me: Okay, so I’m still slightly spoiled, but I’m also like… adulting. Now, I have a very important question to ask. Do you think you could come over tonight and show me how to tackle the oven? Alex: I will wrangle that oven for you. Me: I can’t wait. Six? Alex: Six it is.

With a grumble, I hang up both shirts and pull out a royal blue one. “Eh?” “Better. You’ll just look like a blueberry, which is much superior. What about that gray shirt?” he suggests while pointing to it. “Not dressy enough.” Dad’s eyebrows tell me he doesn’t believe me, but I ignore him and put the blue shirt on. “Now which pants?” “What’s wrong with the pants you have on?” “They’re too dressy.” “You are the strangest thing I’ve ever made in my life, and I’ve made some weird shit. One time in high school, I tried rolling a joint with a condom wrapper. And you’re still weirder than that joint.” “Is that why you knocked Mom up? You used your condoms for weed instead?” “One hundred percent.” “Lovely.”

“Did you get the soap and lube from the same place?” I ask as I grab the bottle only to find it looks similar. “I did. They were really expensive… And I’m now wondering if the ingredients you’re allergic to… are in both. I’m so sorry…” “Was it money?” I ask with a gasp. “Oh. My. God. STOP. I’m not abusing you with money!” I’m trying not to laugh as I wave to my body. “I’m turning into a freaking strawberry!” He looks extremely apologetic. “You’re really cute still?” My eyes couldn’t possibly get wider. “Different soap maybe?” “Or maybe we need to get you to urgent care,” he says. “I’m not going to urgent care and telling them my dick is on fire because you bought soap made of money and unicorn hair.” “Oh my god, they see weird stuff all the time. People are always like stuffing shit up their ass or in their nose or something, it’s fine.” “Are they?” I ask. “I don’t know. It sounded like a valid statement.” “Did it?” He squirts some other stuff on me but now I just feel like a burning, itching ball of misery. “You scrub, I’ll go get you some clothes.” “I’m not going!” “You’re going!” “I refuse!” “Allergies are super serious, Alex. The Benadryl is clearly not cutting it.” “I’ve handled worse. No fucking allergy is going to take me down,” I declare.

“You can win more if you’re naked. I heard that was a thing.” “I guess it depends where I’m naked at. A park? Eh… I think I’d win a first-class ticket to jail.” “Your dad would bail you out and make it seem like it was a good idea you were naked in a park. I can see it now, there you are, naked and spinning around on one of those whirly things that make you want to vomit.” “All I know is one place I don’t want my dick whipping around is on those ‘whirly things,’” Bishop says. “That’s weird. I thought it sounded fun to watch,” I admit. “If that’ll make you the happiest, when we’re done here, we’ll find a park. My papa will just buy the park for me so I can run around naked all I want,” he jokes. “He probably would. What’s the craziest thing your dad’s ever bought you?” “A date.” “This will be amusing.” “A girl in high school who I liked totally dissed me. I was super corny and made up this fun ‘Will you go to prom with me’ sign, and she was like ‘Um… no…’ and I told my dad about it. Next day she comes up to me and tells me she thought about it some more and would love to go. We go to prom, have a wonderful time. As I’m dropping her off, she says, ‘You’re actually not as snobby as I thought you were going to be. I had enough fun that your dad really didn’t need to pay me.’ Then she jumped out of the vehicle.”