healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

you do not even know how much the story you are scared to tell could help someone else out of their own isolated hell.

i do not know what tomorrow holds, but i am taking it day by day. and i think that is more than ok.

am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to see. healing for no one but me.

but picking yourself up and putting things back together does not have to be calculated or rushed.

the past is long gone, but sometimes it is a whisper in the wind reminding me that it helped me be who i am today. the good and the bad. the ugly and afraid. the past is not here to haunt it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape. here i am with a future brand new.

is ok to be in the dark. in the unknown. in the messy in-between. there is so much good that comes from working on yourself in a place that lacks full clarity.

healing deep wounds is not a matter of time and forgetfulness. it is accepting that those wounds

have shaped the story you now carry. and oh what a beautiful story you have turned this pain into.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

some people can not handle the positive growth you are making. because it requires them to leave a comfort zone they have had with you for so long. it requires them realizing that you are no longer who you used to be and they do not really have anything in common with you now except past memories.

you told me that i wore ​such a beautiful smile. ​little did you know ​i was putting on an outfit ​that had not fit me in awhile. ​one that was a little uncomfortable ​and had to be forced on each day. ​the color was not even close ​to my favorite shade. ​but i kept wearing that smile ​because everyone told me ​how beautiful it made me.

if you knew me before five years ago and not anymore, you do not really know the me now. you have met me. you have interacted with me. but only a me that is just a ghost to the me today. who you think you know is so far away.

you do not need to suffer alone in your room with the music blaring. and your notebook filled. and your favorite show on for distraction. there is beauty in help. there is beauty in asking.

i thought if i packed my bags and moved myself somewhere new, i could start over as a person who was a stranger to even myself. but as i started upacking my bags, and placing knick knacks on the shelves, pieces of the old me started to unpack too. even when i tried so hard to pretend i was brand new. slowly my blinds closed again and and i did not wave at any of my new “friends.” and now i was left with the fact that i could not just pick myself up and start over without addressing what was going on beyond just wanting a do over.