healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

lately it feels like, “i am so sorry.” “i am thinking of you.” “i hope you are safe and alright.” are the only words that i write. there is a heaviness with each message and call. and i am constantly wondering when i will get through this all. i find myself crawling into spaces that feel safe, and shutting out the world. but then feeling guilty for thinking i can just turn it all off and push it away. i do not know what tomorrow holds, but i am taking it day by day. and i think that is more than ok.

i am trying to do more tangible things. make with my hands. create with color. dust a book off my shelves. i want to feel more alive here and less like i am just simply existing in worlds that are not even mine. it is easy to get stuck in a pit, but when i finally look up i feel guilty for having nothing to show for it.

this circle i have drawn around myself is filled with comfort and moving beyond the line is not easy. but how will i ever get anywh...

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

i want to come out of this as someone that i do not recognize. finally taking off this disguise. because i am no longer afraid of being my true self for not only me but everyone else.

there are seeds in this soil i am waiting to see bloom. but i am forgiving and patient now, because i know how it feels to be rushed into something too soon.

the past is long gone, but sometimes it is a whisper in the wind reminding me that it helped me be who i am today. the good and the bad. the ugly and afraid. the past is not here to haunt it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape. here i am with a future brand new.

it is ok to be in the dark. in the unknown. in the messy in-between. there is so much good that comes from working on yourself...

i have so much growth to be made but i am taking it day by day. not rushing where i need to be in order to make my healing jo...

and i will keep saying almost. maybe. tomorrow. i would love to be there one day. i will press forward in life thinking tomorrow is still so far away. but when i meet tomorrow for breakfast and realize yesterday’s tomorrow is now today. i wonder how many tomorrows i will meet and keep saying i will go for my dream the next day.

they may be walking down the aisle. they may be welcoming tiny new feet into their home. they may be making big purchases. they may be anything but alone. they may seem like they have their life fully together. they may seem like their list is full of check marks. but do not feel like you have to accomplish everything from a list that does not even fit what you want. do not feel like you have to answer the “when are you going to do it?” remarks.

i am constantly reminded that life is full of both good and bad surprises. like finding money in your pocket you did not know was there. while simultaneously finding your car with a flat tire. i am constantly reminded that life is a balancing act. you cannot only have the good without getting some bad back.

today has the chance to be a beautiful fresh start. put on a new pair of sheets. wipe the counters clean. today is your new beginning. a chance to reset yourself for a tomorrow you will not dread.

i still do not really know if i am quiet or loud. or if i am lost or found. i do not know if i like tea or if it is only coffee for me. i still do not really know who i am. the world makes me think that who i am needs to change. because who i am does not match what i see on my social media page.

i do not want to wait for another life to not care what people think of me. i want to run free in the wildflowers. say hi to strangers i do not know. i want to invite people over for dinner and not care if they do not show. i want to wear no makeup and not feel like i have to explain my lack of being put together. i want to eat burgers and pizza and not say that was the first thing i ate all day. i do not want to wait for another life to not care about the ideas people have of me. i want to be in the here and now feeling free.

i think it is ok to be a little bit selfish. you do not have to share your hopes and dreams. you do not have to share where you plan to go or what you want to see. it is ok to trust your gut and protect your heart. it is ok to be a little selfish. it is your life. do not forget that part.

you go ahead and take up the space. you go ahead and dance in the rain. you go ahead and talk as loud as you want. you go ahead and share your dreams. you go ahead and run down the empty streets. you deserve to be seen here. you do not need to hide, or be quiet, or keep your dreams to yourself. unless you want to- that is different. but do not be afraid of owning your life here. you are just as important as everyone else.

how freeing to remember today that this life can be walked in any way. do not forget who the author of your story is when you feel like you have no say.

​my favorite pair of jeans ​do not fit like they used to ​and typically that would bother me. ​but now i am more concerned ​with forcing a smile ​that does not fit me.

i am learning how to love my life for its seasons. not wish for my seasons to change faster or before it is time.

it starts with the simple tasks becoming hard. like leaving texts on read. abandoning emails. not paying bills i know are due. the anxiety starts to take over and makes even the simplest of tasks feel impossible to do.

it is much more fulfilling to create something brand new, than copy and paste what others do.

you can ask everyone for advice, but at the end of the day only you know what is best for your life. only you know what direction is right.

you may have a past that is daunting to think about, but here you are with a future that is glowing.

today you may feel hope in the untouched tomorrow. with promises you have plans to meet up with, as optimisim runs through your mind. tonight let us cheers to confidence about life.

not everyone is going to be able to see your vision. we do not all see the world through eyes with the same prescription. it is ok to be the only one rooting for your decision.

if you knew me before five years ago and not anymore, you do not really know the me now. you have met me. you have interacted with me. but only a me that is just a ghost to the me today. who you think you know is so far away.