healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

you do not even know how much the story you are scared to tell could help someone else out of their own isolated hell.

that is the thing about picking yourself up out of your own personal hell. no one sees how hard it was except you. all they see is that you, “finally got your shit together.”

we just make our own assumptions. when really there are paths of pain people are walking and we never even see a glimpse, because we are too worried about where we are going next and not where they stand right now.

am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to see. healing for no one but me.

people have their seasons. some are long. some are just for a brief moment in time. some end unexpectedly. some are reborn when they are just right.

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

i want to come out of this as someone that i do not recognize. finally taking off this disguise. because i am no longer afraid of being my true self for not only me but everyone else.

the past is not here to haunt it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape. here i am with a future brand new.

it is ok to be in the dark. in the unknown. in the messy in-between. there is so much good that comes from working on yourself in a place that lacks full clarity.

and oh what a beautiful story you have turned this pain into.

this

i wonder how many tomorrows i will meet and keep saying i will go for my dream the next day.

you cannot only have the good without getting some bad back.

i have always envisioned being. the one who does not have a worry about who she is or where she is going. the one that does not avoid photos because it is evidence that she is a stranger to herself.

really only once- you will meet someone who gets the melted butter version of you and that is when you know they are the one.

the world makes me think that who i am needs to change.

i do not want to wait for another life to not care about the ideas people have of me. i want to be in the here and now feeling free.

my hands may never feel the same. today they closed a chapter that caused so much pain. they waved goodbye to a story they thought would never end. here begins a journey of never having to beg to be read again.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

some people can not handle the positive growth you are making. because it requires them to leave a comfort zone they have had with you for so long. it requires them realizing that you are no longer who you used to be and they do not really have anything in common with you now except past memories.

maybe right now you are not supposed to be at this destination that feels so right but also so wrong. and feels so comfortable but you are also...

but do not be afraid of owning your life here. you are just as important as everyone else.

i am so glad that we did not work out. i thought for so long that breathing different air and seeing different places would kill me slowly. and for some time it did. but the longer we breathed separately and did things without the other. i realized you were really suffocating me from all there was to discover.

anytime something bad happened in an oufit i wore, i would give it away. i had to. the memories attached to those items were way too hard to think about, let alone wear. i could feel the anxiety and sadness hanging onto their threads. needless to say there were many seasons where my closet was empty and so was i.

second chances exist, but i stopped handing them out to the people who kept coming back for the third, fourth, and fifth time. and still expected me to welcome them with warm arms and an open mind.

how come the books made it sound like it is that easy to fall in love?

life is much easier when i do not care if there are a few crumbs on the floor.

if you knew me before five years ago and not anymore, you do not really know the me now. you have met me. you have interacted with me. but only a me that is just a ghost to the me today. who you think you know is so far away.

i finally realized that what you made a big deal about were always the small things. nit-picking so i could never be doing anything right. i deserve the small things. i deserve simple happiness. i finally realized that with you everything was a fight.

there is nothing i would change. the story we wrote together is one i will never try to hide or erase off the page.

who cares if you do not check off the list in the same order, or in the same time frame.