healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

i do not need to change or mold myself just to make other people comfortable with me.

maybe these thoughts spinning in my head are not seen by others because they are too busy thinking of their “flaws” instead.

that is the thing about picking yourself up out of your own personal hell. no one sees how hard it was except you. all they see is that you, “finally got your shit together.”

lately it feels like, “i am so sorry.” “i am thinking of you.” “i hope you are safe and alright.” are the only words that i write. there is a heaviness with each message and call. and i am constantly wondering when i will get through this all. i find myself crawling into spaces that feel safe, and shutting out the world. but then feeling guilty for thinking i can just turn it all off and push it away.

i am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to see. healing for no one but me.

there is only so much healing i can do in this space that does not allow healing at my own pace, and only, “hurry up and just be ok.”

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

the past is long gone, but sometimes it is a whisper in the wind reminding me that it helped me be who i am today. the good and the bad. the ugly and afraid. the past is not here to haunt it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape. here i am with a future brand new.

i keep telling myself one day i will be that woman i have always envisioned being. the one who does not have a worry about who she is or where she is going.

the one who does not avoid mirrors but rather, smiles at her reflection.

you are like butter. you soften yourself for those who you feel you can be soft with or you are hard as a rock and not easy to work with. and then once in a while, really only once- you will meet someone who gets the melted butter version of you and that is when you know they are the one.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

i am so glad that we did not work out. i thought for so long that breathing different air and seeing different places would kill me slowly. and for some time it did. but the longer we breathed separately and did things without the other. i realized you were really suffocating me from all there was to discover.

to the girl i was back then, i am sorry i made you feel like you did not matter. that you were not beautiful. that you did not have the ability to chase your dreams. i am sorry i tore you down any chance i could get. i am sorry that you never felt seen. you deserved so much better than me constantly dressing you in insults. i hope you can forgive me now. we have come so far since then. i can not wait for you to see how.

my favorite pair of jeans ​do not fit like they used to ​and typically that would bother me. ​but now i am more concerned ​with forcing a smile ​that does not fit me.