healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

i do not allow myself to be any more than in the middle because losing people does not hurt as bad if you do not fully let them in.

i do not know what tomorrow holds, but i am taking it day by day. and i think that is more than ok.

i am trying to do more tangible things. make with my hands. create with color. dust a book off my shelves. i want to feel more alive here and less like i am just simply existing in worlds that are not even mine. it is easy to get stuck in a pit, but when i finally look up i feel guilty for having nothing to show for it.

i am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to see. healing for no one but me.

trust that the people who are in your life are meant to be by your side for however long that may be.

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

there are seeds in this soil i am waiting to see bloom. but i am forgiving and patient now, because i know how it feels to be rushed into something too soon.

the past is not here to haunt it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape.

i am constantly reminded that life is a balancing act. you cannot only have the good without getting some bad back.

i take brief moments. sit and enjoy the stars and the way the grass moves in the wind. because those are present moments and i need to exist there more.

i am in the wildflower fields searching for peace in the petals and strength in the wind. i know it is coming for me. i know i deserve it.

you told me i was broken. that it should not be this hard to be happy. why was i always sad? why was i always sleeping? you said i was broken, but really you were breaking me while simultaneously telling me i was overreacting.

the past can only come back in my mind. kind of like you.

there is so much more to me now than you will ever find out on my social media page. sorry it is hard to know the nitty gritty details about me if you are lurking. i no longer feel the need to share every detail online.

i am ok with the fact that the girl from my past brought me pain and ache. i am not mad at her. i am grateful she carried me here. there is nothing i would change. the story we wrote together is one i will never try to hide or erase off the page.

i love that now instead of asking my favorite color you ask me what i have for dreams. and instead of calling me crazy, you chase them with me.