healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

you do not even know how much the story you are scared to tell could help someone else out of their own isolated hell. repeat after me; i am worthy of being here today exactly as i want to be. i do not need to change or mold myself just to make other people comfortable with me.

repeat after me; i am worthy of being here today exactly as i want to be. i do not need to change or mold myself just to make other people comfortable with me.

i do not allow people to get close to me. and i do not allow myself to get close to them. a happy medium. i stay somewhere in the middle of friend, but not close enough to be in my wedding. i will call you sometimes, but you will not be hearing from me in an emergency at 3 AM. i do not allow myself to be any more than in t...

do not allow people to get close to me. and i do not allow myself to get close to them. a happy medium. i stay somewhere in the middle of friend, but not close enough to be in my wedding. i will call you sometimes, but you will not be hearing from me in an emergency at 3 AM. i do not allow myself to be any more than in t...

that is the thing about picking yourself up out of your own personal hell. no one sees how hard it was except you. all they see is that you, “finally got your shit together.”

because we are too worried about where we are going next and not where they stand right now.

i can just turn it all off and push it away. i do not know what tomorrow holds, but i am taking it day by day. and i think that is more than ok.

i am trying to do more tangible things. make with my hands. create with color. dust a book off my shelves. i want to feel more alive here and less like i am just simply existing in worlds that are not even mine. it is easy to get stuck in a pit, but when i finally look up i feel guilty for having nothing to show for it.

this circle i have drawn around myself is filled with comfort and moving beyond the line is not easy. but how will i ever get anywh...

i am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to se...

there is only so much healing i can do in this space that does not allow healing at my own pace, and only, “hurry up and just be ok.”

i want to come out of this as someone that i do not recognize. finally taking off this disguise. because i am no longer afraid of being my true self for not only me but everyone else.

the past is long gone, but sometimes it is a whisper in the wind reminding me that it helped me be who i am today.

it is here to remind me that i made it through the times i thought i never would escape.

i have so much growth to be made but i am taking it day by day. not rushing where i need to be in order to make my healing journey comfortable for anyone but me.

i wonder how many tomorrows i will meet and keep saying i will go for my dream the next day.

but do not feel like you have to accomplish everything from a list that does not even fit what you want. do not feel like you have to answer the “when are you going to do it?” remarks.

but it is ok to not be perfect. it is ok to make slow changes while also not changing at all.

i take brief moments. sit and enjoy the stars and the way the grass moves in the wind. because those are present moments and i need to exist there more.

i did not fall in love with you because years went on and it felt more comfortable to stay than leave.

i fell in love with you because home took the place of alone and i did not feel scared to let you in. no more knocking at the doo...

i do not want to wait for another life to not care what people think of me.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

to the girl i was back then, i am sorry i made you feel like you did not matter. that you were not beautiful. that you did not have the ability to chase your dreams. i am sorry i tore you down any chance i could get. i am sorry that you never felt seen. you deserved so much better than me constantly dressing you in insults. i hope you can forgive me now. we have come so far since then. i can not wait for you to see how.

my favorite pair of jeans ​do not fit like they used to ​and typically that would bother me. ​but now i am more concerned ​with forcing a smile ​that does not fit me.

i am learning how to love my life for its seasons. not wish for my seasons to change faster or before it is time.

there is so much more to me now than you will ever find out on my social media page. sorry it is hard to know the nitty gritty details about me if you are lurking. i no longer feel the need to share every detail online. i can make breakfast without posting a picture. get coffee with a friend and just enjoy the moment together. see a bright full moon or a beautiful sunrise and not reach for my phone- just look at the sky. there is so much more to me now than you will ever find out on my social media page. i no longer feel the need to show up with every detail of me in hopes you would see it and feel like you were missing out on so much.

you do not need to suffer alone in your room with the music blaring. and your notebook filled. and your favorite show on for distraction. there is beauty in help. there is beauty in asking.

take a deep breath with me, let it out, and repeat; today i will not apologize for my beautiful mind and my body that carries me through this life. i am beautifully alive here. i am so important and so wanted. i will not let that be forgotten.