healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

you do not even know how much the story you are scared to tell could help someone else out of their own isolated hell.

that is the thing about picking yourself up out of your own personal hell. no one sees how hard it was except you. all they see is that you, “finally got your shit together.”

i find myself crawling into spaces that feel safe, and shutting out the world. but then feeling guilty for thinking i can just turn it all off and push it away.

there is only so much healing i can do in this space that does not allow healing at my own pace, and only, “hurry up and just be ok.”

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

i hope today is your day. the sun hits your face just right. your favorite t-shirt fits the way you like. your hair is what you have always tried to achieve. there is no line in the drive-thru to get your coffee. your skin feels dewy. and someone sends you a message that makes you smile. i hope today you feel the most right you have in a while.

a lot has changed since we last met. you would not even recognize me now. and i am so proud of that.

to my future son or daughter. if you are reading this one day. i hope you never feel compelled to be anyone but who you truly feel you are. that you are not afraid of the next day to come. that if hurt happens you are not ashamed of those scars. i hope you know how needed you are.

my hands may never feel the same. today they closed a chapter that caused so much pain. they waved goodbye to a story they thought would never end. here begins a journey of never having to beg to be read again.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

some people can not handle the positive growth you are making. because it requires them to leave a comfort zone they have had with you for so long. it requires them realizing that you are no longer who you used to be and they do not really have anything in common with you now except past memories.

you told me i was broken. that it should not be this hard to be happy. why was i always sad? why was i always sleeping? you said i was broken, but really you were breaking me while simultaneously telling me i was overreacting.

people like me should not wear white shirts, because there is no way to hide what we do not want others to see.

this is a deep cut, I cannot lie🙃

it starts with the simple tasks becoming hard. like leaving texts on read. abandoning emails. not paying bills i know are due. the anxiety starts to take over and makes even the simplest of tasks feel impossible to do.

you may have a past that is daunting to think about, but here you are with a future that is glowing.

life is much easier when i do not care if there are a few crumbs on the floor.

i finally realized that i did not deserve to be told my ideas were silly, or that i should not like ranch with my pizza, or that my hair should only be worn down even though i liked it up just as much. i finally realized that what you made a big deal about were always the small things. nit-picking so i could never be doing anything right. i deserve the small things. i deserve simple happiness. i finally realized that with you everything was a fight.

and never once did you thank me for giving up so much me to please you.

you do not need to suffer alone in your room with the music blaring. and your notebook filled. and your favorite show on for distraction. there is beauty in help. there is beauty in asking.

“do not do that. do not make yourself feel like you did not do enough. mental health is a journey and can make life rough.”

you deserve to be loved for who you are and what you believe. you deserve to be loved even if you think you are hard to fully reach. you deserve to be loved like you love but have yet to receive.