healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

you do not even know how much the story you are scared to tell could help someone else out of their own isolated hell.

repeat after me; i am worthy of being here today exactly as i want to be. i do not need to change or mold myself just to make other people comfortable with me.

i do not allow myself to be any more than in the middle because losing people does not hurt as bad if you do not fully let them in.

that is the thing about picking yourself up out of your own personal hell. no one sees how hard it was except you. all they see is that you, “finally got your shit together.”

i want to feel more alive here and less like i am just simply existing in worlds that are not even mine. it is easy to get stuck in a pit, but when i finally look up i feel guilty for having nothing to show for it.

this circle i have drawn around myself is filled with comfort and moving beyond the line is not easy. but how will i ever get anywhere new if i do not expand my circle?

i am healing here. between the silence and the breeze. tending to wounds i have been afraid to se...

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

you have done it once before, so you know it will come.

i have so much growth to be made but i am taking it day by day. not rushing where i need to be in order to make my healing journey comfortable for anyone but me.

healing deep wounds is not a matter of time and forgetfulness. it is accepting that those wounds have shaped the story you now carry. and oh what a beautiful story you have turned this pain into.

the toast i made was burnt from my wandering mind

it is ok to make slow changes while also not changing at all.

i got a degree in a subject you said i was terrible at. but communication was really something that you lacked. a lot has changed since we last met. you would not even recognize me now. and i am so proud of that.

i drink my coffee when i know it is still way too hot and act surprised when it burns me. but i am so trusting that maybe this time it will not when it is obvious there is no other ending.

i am not the same person i was last year or the year before. and while that might seem scary because people stop recognizing me for who i once was. i remember that who i am changing into now is someone i always dreamed of.

some people can not handle the positive growth you are making. because it requires them to leave a comfort zone they have had with you for so long. it requires them realizing that you are no longer who you used to be and they do not really have anything in common with you now except past memories.

you go ahead and talk as loud as you want.

you deserved so much better than me constantly dressing you in insults.

you told me i was broken. that it should not be this hard to be happy. why was i always sad? why was i always sleeping? you said i was broken, but really you were breaking me while simultaneously telling me i was overreacting.

people like me should not wear white shirts, because there is no way to hide what we do not want others to see.

you may have a past that is daunting to think about, but here you are with a future that is glowing.

because maybe you are still refusing to grow beyond your four walls.

i was good at being alone. i was good at getting lost in my mind. i was good at finding comfort in myself. that was what i did all this time. so when one day i had more than just me to share me things with, i did not know how much i really needed it.

and never once did you thank me for giving up so much me to please you.

i have gone down roads that no one knows and got so lost i could not see. and all that time people thought i was just fine and even now would be surprised to find out all i was keeping inside me.

you remember why you started, why you should never give up, and why you are more than enough to make to grow.