healing for no one but me

by Jennae Cecelia

if nothing is forever, why does this pain never leave? why can i not move past something that is long gone? why can i not find relief?

my favorite color was always blue if you asked me. not because i liked it, but it seemed like a simple answer that no one would question. my favorite color was always orange if you really knew me. and depending how close you were to me i was either your friend whose favorite color was blue, or your friend whose favorite color was orange. and no one knew that was how i kept people in categories of close or far enough away.

you are like butter. you soften yourself for those who you feel you can be soft with or you are hard as a rock and not easy to work with. and then once in a while, really only once- you will meet someone who gets the melted butter version of you and that is when you know they are the one.

i am so glad that we did not work out. i thought for so long that breathing different air and seeing different places would kill me slowly. and for some time it did. but the longer we breathed separately and did things without the other. i realized you were really suffocating me from all there was to discover.

it starts with the simple tasks becoming hard. like leaving texts on read. abandoning emails. not paying bills i know are due. the anxiety starts to take over and makes even the simplest of tasks feel impossible to do.