You'll Come Back to Yourself

by Michaela Angemeer

i will put you in a support group you could meet every thursday eat stale doughnuts try to forget about me but none of these men ever show up on time and you always left early

i have been let down by men so many times there is no disappointment left for you

i tried so hard to be whole for you but it turns out you like me better when i’m in pieces

i am having a funeral for all the texts you typed then deleted before sending me

the worst thing about loving you wasn’t you leaving it was hoping you’d come back

the leftover bits of my heart are crying out no service i am so sorry to disappoint but you will not find what you’re looking for here

i am no longer soft i built this city on broken spines and cracked open rib cages

i hope you don’t mind but i changed the lock on the door to my dreams

i thought i would have a lifetime to be in love with you it ended in a second

no more wars left to fight this is me, hand on heart this is me, i am here i am all that’s left

i’ve learned to love the empty space beside me in bed but when i look at it long enough i swear i can hear the outline of where he used to lay ask me, why do we keep loving people who can’t love us back?

build me a house of LEGO i need walls that are easier to take down

how many times will i let myself be a second choice before i learn that there are no runner-ups in love

why do i keep falling in love with people who are meant for someone else

if he’s afraid to fully fall in love with you save your time and love yourself instead

you will always be happy to see me but never enough to stay

not everyone deserves to hold your heart in their hands

you can make someone love you but you can’t make them choose you

you deserve a call me anytime love. a pick you up from the airport love. a love note on napkins kind of love. a chicken noodle soup for sore throats kind of love. a back rub before bed kind of love. a laughs at your bad jokes kind of love. a reminder to get up ten minutes earlier because it snowed and you’re going to have to clean off your car kind of love. a clean off your car for you kind of love. a bring you cheesecake when you have cramps kind of love. a listening love. a love that takes care of you. a love that sees your messy hair, your morning breath, your spiralling mind, your no sleep crankiness, a love that loves you more because of it. you deserve a requited love. a love that lasts.

i’ve always been cyclical good at returning to the start bad at forgetting these spirals won’t spin themselves i am so used to the coming and going the leaving

when what you love loses meaning life feels like swallowing lava am i still breathing?

laughter like shovelling coal into once red lungs can you see the soot between my teeth? i am coughing on black powder

your life is worth so much more than this

you don’t have to ignore all the things that you’re sad about

what does it mean to feel like yourself

i can’t learn to stand on my own without starting from nothing i am just beginning

who knew you could fit all of this luggage inside a cracked heart

give yourself time to let him go it will happen slowly, then all at once

and just like the new moon you will rebuild you will become whole again

i don’t know what it’s like to be a damsel in distress i saved myself from you

how did we become a generation of women who were told we need a man to be whole without any role models who are even worthy enough to be our halves

but you forget that women were made to burn. women were made to rise again. a phoenix born from ashes. one look, and you’ll become dust.

i have no scrapes or bruises my knees have not hit earth in years i avoid mountains as if they’re impossible to climb i always walk around instead of jumping over i’d rather turn back than leap but i’m learning that if you want to find love you have to be willing to fall sometimes

there is a map to get to know me i drew it in invisible ink that you’ll swear you can see after a glass or two of red wine this map has no end or beginning just directions of me wanting to get to know you it’ll never tell you which way is north for my internal compass is too affected by magnets and whatever direction the moon wants to pull me in it’s less of a map and more of a dance scattered drunk footprints that think they’re making their way somewhere this map is too afraid to tell you who i am though every day i will try to let you unfold it but all i can manage right now is to rip off this corner lean closer so you can hear me i think just maybe i’m learning that you can share yourself without losing pieces of you

when i stopped looking for love in someone else i found love within myself

i don’t need a love that sweeps me off my feet i need a love that tends to my roots

i am shining. there are a million beads of light. where did all this light come from? who kept turning it off? and how did i go so long without feeling happy? you’ll come back to yourself