Fluids

by May Leitz

I’m going to do it. I can visualize the shower. The water could so efficiently run down my blonde hair and clean this sheen off my skin. I imagine scrubbing myself, shaving.

Yeah this is what my autism feels like. Pathological demand avoidance is such a bitch.

I really want to see your face. Is it horrible? Dahliabitch04: I don’t know. I don’t really remember what I’m supposed to look like.

You feel like that to me. Talking to you feels like dancing with Dahmer.

I’m probably defensive. I do that sometimes. My ex-girlfriend used to tell me that I got defensive really quickly and then wouldn’t listen. So…I’m listening.

But the thought of the local high school getting torn apart slowly just fills me with glee. All those poor cheerleaders who are definitely not gay being forced to die right next to the other girls they’ve always wanted to fuck. I imagine myself placing them together in a loving embrace right as their souls leave and it’s so beautiful my eyes water.

It’ll be perfect. I have to save Dahlia. I wish someone would have saved me.

I’m never going to understand this girl’s effect on my stomach. It’s her effect; she can’t help it. Even vomiting makes me happy because I’m vomiting for her.

I lived in fear of vomiting on another dude's dick ever since that happened, and now a girl can make me gag by existing.

Lauren666: What would it take? What would it take for you to feel like you know me enough to leave with me? Dahliabitch04: Leave with you? I don’t know. It's only been three days. Lauren666: But you love me. Dahliabitch04: What? I just met you!

Hooooooly shit

I know deep down that going with her will probably kill me. But I have a death wish. I have to get out of here.

“I just don’t want to die in Oklahoma.”

“I can teach you how to like it.”

Oh what the FUCK.

I’m hurt that Dahlia still doesn’t trust me even when I’ve shown her all the care, love, and acceptance in the world. She’s never had a friend like me before, and she treats me like I’m hurting her.

Dahlia has had a long day. She moved out of her house, and she lives with me now! That’s a lot in one day. If anyone has earned a drink, it’s her.

This is so unhinged????????

I could save her from sobriety.

I feel like I’m being taken apart and devoured by two wolves, but I’m so happy to be eaten.

He’s utterly flaccid from the violence, but something primal in him wants to fuck me before killing me. He shares a similar demon with me at this moment. We’re the same.

WHAT THE FUCK DUDE

I look through the mirror at the bloody mess of living death that lay on the floor, and I can’t help but cry. I fucked up her birthday.

“I can teach you how to like it,” I say.

“Thank you,” I say. “You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

This is the most violating book i have ever read

I loved a woman to completion. This proves that I know how.

oh my fucking GOD.

I know a demon cannot fall in love with their vessel, but I feel love and pride in who I am.

“Baby, I’m so proud of you,” she says and weeps. She is proud of me. I can feel that pride and love, and I feel like I could be her daughter forever. I wish I had a mom like this and not the one I set on fire. I’d never set her on fire. She is perfect, and I owe her my life.

Oh my god this is heartbreaking. This feels so hopeless

Then she sees me. She really sees me. I am a bloody, disgusting wreck. I have one arm. I have a penis, and I’m a girl, and I have one arm, and I’m beautiful, and I’m destroyed. Someone hurt me really bad. Once upon a time, someone hurt me really bad.

Today is a day of marvelous firsts. I’ve never gone on a first date with a girl twice in one week before. But here we are, and I’m Stacy. She’s my daughter Chelsea, and I love her, and now she’s in our dearly departed one-night-stand’s hotel suite, and we’re alone. We’re just mother and daughter, and I’m gonna take care of her.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

But I know myself, and I know I like the heat on my face. I don’t think I ever want to leave it again.