How to Talk to a Man and Feel Heard: 9 Mistakes Women Need To Avoid

by Sue Shepard

One way to ensure relationship failure is to wait for the other person to change.

As a result, men and women can become immovable by the judgment of each side believing their way is better. There will always be disillusionment and disappointment if you hope he will respond to you more like the women in your life. Channel this hope into something you can attain. You can only begin to move away from this unrealistic hope by embracing the truth: he is not you. By the sheer fact that he is a man, and you are not, he will experience what you say differently and respond to you differently.

most men only verbalize their concerns if they cannot figure out a solution independently. Only then do they seek additional expertise to solve the problem.

You can’t expect him to fully comprehend who you are and what you want for biological and cultural reasons.6 He will need your help to gain an understanding of why you just want him to listen to you without interrupting with solutions. So your best chance at harmony in your relationship is for you to grasp this difference and learn to take it in stride.

It is a mistake to assume that the words you use hold the same meaning to him.

Once you have moved from tolerance to acceptance, you are: Not consumed with negativity Free from the desire to change him Able to love and appreciate him as he is Able to enjoy your relationship despite the disparity Able to react in a more neutral manner that is without judgment

Instead of idealizing a relationship based on the false belief that sameness equates to closeness, you can achieve a genuine connection based on the reality of what you each uniquely have to offer.

I would never have intentionally said something to hurt Adam, yet I was ignorantly saying things that made Adam feel criticized and incompetent.

“A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.”10(p56)

You will know when you have touched that raw nerve because you will either feel the chill when he turns icy or the heat when he turns angry. It is at this point in a conversation when conflict is most likely to erupt.

So when he feels admired or appreciated by you, it breathes new life into his soul. Likewise, when he detects your lack of approval or unhappiness with him, it chips away at his very core.

Your guy is human, and he wants to feel appreciated just like you do. But in a much deeper way, he needs to feel you see him as worthy and competent.13 Unfortunately, he will probably be the last one to admit that. It may be too vulnerable for him to acknowledge and talk about it openly. Few things can crush his self-confidence faster or more severely than when he senses you lack trust in his abilities.

His inability to make you happy leads him to feel incompetent.

As women, we vent whenever we need to relieve stress and let go of things on our minds. Without being aware, you could be sending messages to him during your venting sessions that deeply hurt him. On the other hand, when you have this awareness, you can be a little more sensitive.

You pass out unsolicited advice every time you give a suggestion or helpful tip that he did not request. I trust that you are just trying to be helpful when you offer advice. Unfortunately, many men may perceive this differently, and your words can hurt them. If he has asked you for your advice, then it is perfectly acceptable to offer it. It is only a mistake when you offer unsolicited advice.

What feels like caring to him is when you trust him to take care of things independently and not offer assistance unless he asks for it. Of course, he may eventually request your help, but not until he has done everything he can on his own.

Even if you can see he’s headed down a difficult road and your input could save him misery, let him work through his own problems and issues. Resist the urge to offer unrequested guidance. Unless he asks for your help, support him by keeping your thoughts to yourself as he figures it out on his own.

Unfortunately, it’s common to take the person that means the most to you for granted from time to time. Be that as it may, once this occurs regularly, it can lead to resentment and diminish his motivation to carry out those generous deeds that further the relationship.

look for opportunities to appreciate him for the big things he does, the small things, and especially the imperfect things. Saying “thank you” isn’t about whether he achieved the desired outcome. It’s about acknowledging his willingness and effort instead of failures. He will feel encouraged when you recognize his worth in spite of imperfection.

For some men, hearing “I am proud of you” can be more meaningful than hearing “I love you.”

When he does not feel in competition with you, you are more likely to be heard.

I can tell you with certainty that you will have a better shot at motivating your guy by believing in him, respecting him, and having high expectations of him.

Understanding how differently some men observe an incident is key because it may lend some insight into why your guy reacts so strongly to something you had no idea could lead to conflict.

You may consider him your best friend, but he is still not your girlfriend.

It is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect him to provide you his undivided attention every time you talk.33 That’s why it is essential to take the time to let him know when a situation warrants him to provide you with his focused attention. I know it would feel better if he instantly knew what you needed without you having to ask, but not speaking up and hoping for him to know magically is another mistake

Remember that many men have a hard time listening to problems unless they can actively solve your problem.

I promise you he has no idea how to assist you appropriately and is doing the best he can from what he knows.

always and never are problematic words in a relationship.

On many occasions, I do not think the woman is even aware she has used an absolute until I point it out. She is not expecting him to take the word literally and is primarily using the word as a way of expressing her frustration. She is not trying to be factual; she is expressing her feelings. Unfortunately, he completely misses her feelings because he is concerned with getting the facts right.

The use of “You never . . .” and “You always . . .” are poison to your communication because they kill any chance of you feeling heard. For the health of your relationship, please remove these lethal words from your conversations.

Unfortunately, threatening divorce is probably the single most hurtful thing you can say to him - especially if it was a tactic to get him to be more present in the relationship. The threat of abandonment can shut him down in a profound way because what he hears is, “I am leaving and I do not love you anymore.”42 The result of an exit threat is rarely the outcome you were seeking. Instead, the threat destroys trust and inflicts injury to the core of his being. You risk causing damage that is incapable of being repaired.

Appreciate his willingness to meet your need, even if it does not come naturally to him. His inability to anticipate your needs is not a measure of his love or a defect in him. Instead, view this as simply one of the ways you two differ. Just because it may seem obvious to you does not mean it will instinctively occur to him.

Honestly, your ability to speak directly, which is a language he is fluent in, is superior to his ability to understand your indirect language.

Since the goal here is to be heard, it is worth your effort to retrain yourself to use a more direct communication style so you are both using a common language. Doing so provides a greater chance of being heard because this is a language he can recognize and comprehend.

when you leave him responsible for correctly interpreting your subtle message, you’ve actually increased the likelihood of conflict.

Now is the time to stop blaming him for not meeting the needs that you have never directly communicated to him.

Men have a hard enough time figuring out what you mean when you do use your words – they absolutely suck at mind reading.

If he wants to make you happy, make it easy for him. Avoid dropping hints and tell him directly what you want.

Life gets busy, and we forget to provide simple greetings – most of us do not even realize we have stopped doing it. Do not confuse simple with unimportant, because taking the time to extend these small gestures to him can do wonders for your relationship.

Change takes time, but once you start changing the small things, the bigger ones have a way of taking care of themselves.