A House With Good Bones

by T. Kingfisher

There aren’t many social advantages to being fat, but I’ll give it this, nobody ever thinks you’re a cat burglar.

My phone informed me that it was absolutely talking to the internet, it was happy to talk to the internet, it loved talking to the internet, then as soon as I tried to check my email, it told me it had never heard of the internet and wasn’t entirely sure it existed.

I ate cold pizza and drank too much wine. The box said that I should pair it with chimichurri sauce and salsa dancing. The box was going to get British murder shows and like it.

“Brad, that’s the plot of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” He was silent for a moment, then said, “Son of a bitch. So it is. Another childhood trauma vanquished by science.”

Waffle House at four in the morning is a liminal space occupied by long-haul truckers, bleary-eyed shift workers, and teenagers so high they can smell God’s breath.

I asked my phone if it was connected to the internet and it told me that it had a very close relationship with the internet. I attempted to pull up a web page and it informed me that it was not that kind of relationship.

(Well, she was a barista. Baristas, like bartenders, have Seen Things.)

Phil did not immediately flee my presence, which was probably more than I deserved, given that I had so far threatened his life, brandished rose petals at him, and showed him ghostly hands in the shrubbery.

“I’d probably warn someone against shattering the boundaries of space and time too. You figure they’re there for a reason, right?” “What, like a big ‘Do Not Enter’ sign on the edges of reality?” “Something like that.” “Phil?” “Yeah?” “What exactly are the boundaries of space and time?” “No idea.”

I would just like the universe to acknowledge at this point that I didn’t scream, or flail, or throw the jar, or scream “What the ever-loving FUCK!?!” or anything like that. I am a professional.

“Is everyone okay?” asked Gail. “I feel like crap and I seem to be wearing a ham.”

“I’m an herb-witch who talks to vultures! I’ve never dealt with anything like this before!”

“This isn’t like rebooting your computer! I can’t just turn magic off and back on again!”